CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

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CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (usually referred to as CSI) (2000-) is a dramatic television series about the Forensics Crime Lab in Las Vegas.

Contents

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Pilot [1.1]

Catherine: What do you think?
Warrick: Oh, he's lying. That's why I took this job. I can always tell when Whitey's talking out his ass. It's a gift.
Brass: I think every new hire should experience an autopsy on their first night.
Grissom: Morning. Gil Grissom, forensics. I'm taking over the case for Warrick Brown. Mind if I come in?
Husband: [sighs] How can I help you?
Grissom: I need to give you a pedicure.
Husband: Come again?
Grissom: If latex rubber and cooking spray went on a blind date, how would the night end?
Charlotte: A lot better than ours did.
Grissom: I know, Pink Floyd's not your thing.
Charlotte: I have on cowboy boots. I work in a lab. What makes you think "Dark Side of the Moon" synched to the Wizard of Oz is going to warm my damn barn?
Grissom: I just thought it'd be something different.
Charlotte: You want to be different? Pin me up against a wall; lay one on me like you mean it.
[Charlotte gets up and walks past Grissom.]
Charlotte: You're slacking, pal.
[She sits down in front of the computer database. The computer beeps and starts running through print comparisons.]
Grissom: How long till we get a hit?
Charlotte: It could be four minutes, could be four days but you can bet your ass she'll give you something. She always does.
Grissom: "Pin you against a wall?"
[Grissom casts Charlotte a sideways glance.]
Royce Harmon: [Recorded] My name is Royce Harmon. I reside at 7642 Carpenter Street, Las Vegas, Nevada. I am 41 years of age ... and I'm going to kill myself.
Catherine: [explaining the job to Holly, the new girl] We restore peace of mind. And when you're a victim, that's everything. Stick it out. At least until you solve your first. And after that, if you don't feel like King Kong on cocaine, then you can quit. But if you stay, with my right hand to God, you will never regret it.
Sgt. O'Riley: [Describing Brass and Grissom] Here comes the "nerd squad".
Greg: I've got to warn you, oral swabs don't always read right. Vaginal swabs? No problem. Anal swabs? Money.
Nick: Anal swabs?
Greg: Anal swabs.
Grissom: [yelling at Warrick] We solve these cases regardless of race, color, creed, or bubblegum flavor!
Grissom: I need you to roll up your sleeve and give me a pint of your blood
Holly: What for?
Grissom: It's customary for all new hires.
Holly: Why?
Grissom: So many reasons...
[some time later] [Grissom is undertaking a blood spatter reconstruction using real blood]
Warrick: Where'd you get the blood?
Grissom: The new girl. Want to donate?
Warrick: Hell no.
[Holly Gribbs is observing her first autopsy]
Grissom: You gotta breathe through your ears, Gribbs.
[To a room full of 'corpses', after Holly Gribbs was frightened into hysterics]
Grissom: You assholes!

[edit] Cool Change [1.2]

Nick: How do you know all this stuff?
Grissom: It's our job to know stuff.
Grissom: Yes, yes, Norman pushed. Norman jumped. Norman fell.
Sara: Wouldn't you, if you were married to Mrs. Roper?
Grissom:I don't even have to turn around. Sara Sidle.
Sara:Thats me. Still tossin' simulation dummies? There are other ways to tell, you know.
Grissom:No thanks. I'm a scientist. I like to see it. Newton dropped the apple. I drop dummies.
Sara:You're old school.
Grissom:Exactly. This guy was pushed.
Sara:How's the girl?
Grissom:She's still in surgery. She's not doing too well.
Sara:That's too bad.
Grissom:God, Sara, I have so many unanswered whys.
Sara:There's only one why that matters now, why did Warrick Brown leave the scene?
Sara: Do you know where I can find Catherine Willows?
Catherine:She's out in the field. Let me guess Sara Sidle?
Sara: I know who I am, I think you're a little confused.
Grissom: [Laughing] Jacks or better. You're under arrest.
Suspect: Oh yeah? What for?
Grissom: First degree murder.
Suspect: Oh. On what grounds?
Grissom: [Looking at suspect's boots] Roof dust.
Catherine dials the number on the pager:
Sara: What are you gona say? Hi, I'm a criminalist, I was in the neighbourhood...
Catherine: Shh shh it's ringing.
Suspect: Hello
Catherine: Ah, Hey
Suspect: Hey, who's this, I just dialed my own damn beeper.
Catherine: Uh-uh, it's my beeper now, I found it.
Suspect: That ain't your beeper girl, it's mine, I do a lot of business on that beeper.
Catherine: What kind of business?
Suspect: You know, slinging a little something-something.
Catherine: Oh, a little something-something, or maybe a little bling-bling.
Suspect: Ah, so what you know about some bling-bling?
Catherine: Well invite me over to your crib baby and you might find out.
Suspect: Three Aces motel room 202
Catherine: Three Aces motel room 202 ahh see you soon. :She hangs up: Did I just do that?
Sara: What's a bling-bling?
Catherine: Got me.

[edit] Crate 'n Burial [1.3]

Sara:Get a picture of the security pad, someone touches it before it's dusted I break their fingers.
Sara:You're standing in my crime scene.
Nick:No, you're in mine.
Sara:You got audio, I wanted that.
Nick:I out rank you.
Sara:Technicality, who'd Grissom handpick to work here?
Nick:Keep telling yourself that.
Sara: Excuse me. Is my evaluation interrupting you?
Grissom: No, I barely heard you.
Grissom: People leave us clues, Nick. They speak to us in thousands of different ways. It's our job to make sure we've tried to hear every single thing they've said.
Nick: Yeah, but I got her a chem set.
Sara: You keep that; might learn something.
Nick: Stop flirting with me.
Sara: Hey Grissom! Would you come tape me up?
Grissom: I love my work.
Catherine: It shows.

[edit] Pledging Mr. Johnson [1.4]

Nick: I can't believe I used to live in a place like this.
Sara: And here I had all this respect for you.
[After finding out the drowned woman had fried calamari before she died]
Catherine: Now tell me, why are we here?
Grissom: 'Cuz it's the only place within ten miles of Calville Bay that serves calamari.
Catherine: And you know this because...?
Grissom: I come here for calamari.
Catherine: Oh. Alone?
Grissom: No. Sometimes I have a beer with it. (Edit)
Grissom: [to Catherine after finding a severed leg] Well Watson, the game's afoot.
Dr.Robbins: The leg was severed post-mortem.
Catherine: Well, that's good news.
Dr.Robbins: How do you figure?
Catherine: Would you want to be alive while your leg's being cut off?
Sara: [to Warrick]: Fine suit.
[Warrick and Nick turn around to find Sara in the locker room]
Sara: [to Nick] And well, just fine.
Nick: That's harassment.
Sara: Hey, we have one locker room and it's my job to be observant.
Greg: What's Grissom doing?
Warrick: He's trying to find a missing boat.
Greg: And let me guess, Catherine got bored?
Warrick: Well you know Grissom, the shortest distance between two points is science. For Catherine, it's pounding the pavement.
Catherine: No. No way, use your own hand.
Grissom: Come on, Catherine, my hand's too big.
Catherine: No!
Grissom: It's the only way we can print her. Her skin on your hand should fit like a leather glove.
Grissom: May I take your hand?
Grissom: You just compromised our investigation.
Catherine: He deserved to know the truth.
Grissom: Knowing how she died, yes. Knowing that she had an affair -- how does that bring closure?
Catherine: I guess you just have to be on the wrong end of an affair to understand.
Grissom: You can't make this about Eddie. Look, you hurt our case because your ex hurt you.
Catherine: We bring ourselves to our cases. We can't help it. I knew how Barger felt. Would you just relax? I didn't give him chapter and verse.
Grissom: You can't give him anything, Catherine. We're scientists. We're not psychiatrists or victims' rights advocates.
Catherine: You're right, you know. I should be just like you. Alone in my hermetically sealed condo watching discovery on the big screen working genius- level crossword puzzles, but no relationships. No chance any will slop over into a case. Right. I want to be just like you.
Grissom: Technically, it's a townhouse. And the crosswords are advanced, not genius. But you're right. I'm deficient in a lot of ways. But I never screw up one of my cases with personal stuff.
Catherine: Grissom ... what personal stuff?
Grissom: Look ... could we have a truce?
Catherine: I would love to.
Grissom: Good.
Grissom: But let me do all the talking to the husband and the boyfriend.
Catherine: He had to say it.

[edit] Friends and Lovers [1.5]

Nick: Blood's like my grandfather. Never lies.
Warrick: Don't take it personally miss, but he's [Grissom] kind of married to his job.
Grissom: There are three kinds of people I hate. Men who hit their wives, sexual assault on children, and the scum who deal death to kids.
Grissom: Teenage wasteland! (Referencing The Who's hit song, "Baba O'Riley")
Warrick: Who?
Grissom: Yeah!

[edit] Who Are You? [1.6]

Evans: [Pointing to an exotic dancer on stage] You dressed like that?
Catherine: If you want to call it dressed.
(Nick and Grissom discover a skeleton in the wall of a house)
Nick: Ten bucks says the owner sells the house.
Grissom: By law you've got to disclose everything. Three bedrooms, two baths, and a skeleton.
[Eddie, Catherine's ex is accused of rape]
Grissom: What's the status?
Catherine: Skin samples from under the women's fingernails are consistent with Ed's. I saw some bruises. But Eddie's style has always been very... involved. Vigorous.
Grissom: ...Vigorous.
Warrick: She's trying to tell you Eddie likes it rough.
Catherine: Thank you, Warrick.

[edit] Blood Drops [1.7]

Grissom: [quoting Shakespeare] Yet who would've thought the old man could have so much blood in him?
Sara: [talking about Brenda, a 6 year old girl] Going back to the girl. I left her in the car.
[Grissom and Catherine stare at her blankly]
Sara: The windows are cracked... Give me a little credit. She's at the hospital!

[edit] Anonymous [1.8]

Brass: Oh, you're gonna love this. [opens bathroom door] Ring any bells? Rub-a-dub-dub, dead man in the tub.
Grissom: What happened?
Brass: You tell me Carnac.
Brass: Quincy wants to be alone.
Uniformed Cop: Why does he want to be alone?
Brass: He wants to get his mojo working.
Grissom: Life's like holding a dove. You hold it too hard...
Catherine: ... you kill it.
Grissom: Hold it too soft...
Sara: ... and it'll fly away.
Nick: [sarcastically] Aww, want me to make you a bottle and go night night?
Warrick: Aww, want me to clock your jaw and make you go night night?
Warrick: There's other questions to answer first.
Nick: Like what?
Warrick: Footprints and tire treads.
Nick: I hate you.
Warrick: You love me. Who are you kidding?

[edit] Unfriendly Skies [1.9]

Grissom: So, dead guy in first class?
Brass: Las Vegas Air, I always heard it was a good time.
Grissom: I want this whole plane taped off ... nose to tail and wing to wing.
Brass: Oh, it's going to take a lot of tape.
Grissom: I've got a dead body, a crime scene with wings. Something very wrong happened in this plane.
Sara: I take it that's not blood.
Grissom: No but there's protein in it.
Sara: Oh, the Mile High Club. That means that 2 passengers may have had no idea what was going on inside that cabin.
Grissom: You know high altitude enhances the whole sexual experience, increases the euphoria.
Sara: Well, it's good...I don't know if it's that good. Cite your source.
Grissom: Hand me a swab please.
Sara: You're avoiding the question, "enhances sexual experience, increases euphoria" cite your source.
Grissom: A magazine.
Sara: What magazine?
Grissom: Applied psycho dynamics in forensic science.
Sara: Never heard of it.
Grissom: I'll get you a subscription. Now cite your source.
Sara: Oh, now you want to go down that route?
Grissom: Yeah.
Sara: Nah, never mind.
Grissom: You started it.
Sara: Delta airlines, flight 1109, Boston- Miami, March 93, Ken Fuller, hazel eyes, organic chem lab TABMOC, overrated, in every aspect. Could we get back to work please?
Grissom: Yeah, I think due to your first hand knowledge and experience in airplane bathrooms, you should do the swab.
Sara: Fine.
Grissom: Well, in this case we're going to recreate the flight from ... 1630 hours on. [points to Brass] You are in 4B.
Brass: Lou.
Catherine: Lou -- the angry businessman. How about that?
Sara: I want to be Shannon. Good.
Warrick: The stewardess.
Sara: Excuse me -- it's "Flight Attendant".
Grissom: Catherine-- the doctor, 3E.
Catherine: Single mom. What an imagination you have.
Grissom: [points to Nick and Warrick] Max and Marlene, 2E and F. You two are married. Who wants to wear the pants?
Nick: CSI-3 seniority, "sweetie".
Warrick: Yeah, whatever. You're henpecked anyway.
Sara: [To Grissom] Let me guess -- you're the computer geek.
Grissom: In the interest of clarity, yes. Nate in 2C.
Grissom: A, B, C, D or all of the above. Standoff with the police -- guy gets shot in the chest, runs back into his burning house inhaling smoke as he goes. The roof collapses the air conditioning unit falls on his head, he dies. What killed him?
Nick: (to Warrick) Excuse me, buttercup.


Sara: Guys...If you jump a guy at the exit, he dies at the exit.
Grissom: If just one person had stopped and taken the time to look at the guy to listen to him, to figure out what was wrong with him it might not have happened. It took five people to kill him. It would have only taken one person to save his life.

[edit] Sex, Lies, and Larvae [1.10]

Grissom: No, Sara's gonna work with me. You've got a missing person, Sheryl Applegate. Her husband notified the police that she took the car and headed to LA, but she never showed up. A few hours ago, the PD found her car at the bus station. They requested a CSI.
Nick: She took the bus instead, case solved. [grins]
Grissom: Well, right now, treat her car like a crime scene. [tilts his head to the side] Go.
Grissom: You've still got to convince a jury.
Sara: On guns. It's got to be better than bugs. Less Latin.
Sara: You're the one who's aways saying it's better to have one piece of forensic evidence than ten eyewitnesses.
Grissom: What, do you tape everything I say?
Scott Shelton: [after Sara discovers blood that has been wiped clean off the wall] I have no idea how it got there.
Sara: Oh... How it got there was when you shot your wife in the head, wrapped her in a blanket and left her on the side of a mountain. Dead!
[points her finger in his face]
Scott Shelton: Get that finger out of my face bitch!
[they fight]
Brass: Stop! That's enough! [to Grissom] Get her under control!
Grissom: Get him out of here, Jim!
Scott Shelton: Told you she was a handful.
Sara: Oh, you don't know a handful!
Grissom: Hey, Sara, what's the matter with you?
Sara: I am a woman, and I have a gun and look how he treated me! I can only imagine how he treated his wife!
Grissom: You have empathy for her, Sara. You want someone to pay for what was done to her. That's normal.
Sara: You want to sleep with me?
Grissom: Did you just say what I think you did?
Sara: That way, when I wake up in cold sweat under the blanket, hearing Kaye's screams ... You can tell me it's nothing. It's just empathy.
Brass: So it took longer for the insects to get in there?
Grissom: And deposit their eggs. Maybe two whole days. I've wrapped porky here pretty tight.
Brass: Wouldn't a rabbit be easier?
Grissom: Gotta be a pig. Interestingly, they're the most like humans.
Brass: Yeah, I've been saying that since I was a rookie. You're on your own, pal.
Grissom: The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out, the worms play pinochle on your snout.

[edit] I-15 Murders [1.11]

Brass: Well if it isn't the boss himself. Where's your E-Street Band?
Grissom: They had another gig.
Grissom: [Referring to a frozen heart] It looks like the planet Krypton.
Catherine: You know how you're always pushing that Holy Trinity stuff?
Grissom: Father, Son and Holy Ghost?
Catherine: Victim, suspect and crime scene.
Grissom: Oh, that one.
Grissom: She says she's a friend of yours
Catherine: Ex-girlfriend, Nick?
Nick: Depends, was she the assaulter or the assaultee?
Sara: You tell us, you like leather or lace?
Nick: No, I'm not even going there. [later] Lace!

[edit] Fahrenheit 932 [1.12]

Jail Inmate: Yo Grissom! [hits the inmate next to him] This guy is the reason I'm in here. A shoe print! [to Grissom] Yo next time I go barefoot!
Grissom: Even better, footprints.

[edit] Boom [1.13]

Brass: There's been another fourth of July.
Sara: He's been out of work ever since.
Grissom: Sittin' around makin' bombs..
Catherine: Oh, these fire guys really know how to trash a crime scene.
Grissom: That's what they do. Put wet stuff on the red stuff.
Warrick: *sigh* So what are you guys up to?
Sara: We're off to blow up some bombs
Warrick: Oh i definitely got the wrong end of this case!
Grissom: [Playing off Shakespeare's Hamlet] Alas, poor Warrick!

[edit] To Halve and to Hold [1.14]

Teri Miller: It's kind of like that old saying: 'How a person does one thing is...
Grissom:... how a person does everything.'
[Grissom is licking rocks to see if they're bones]
Grissom: Could be a piece of wrist bone.
Catherine: Well, do you want to suck on it? To be sure?
Sara: [Referring to a victim's vagina] It DOES tell a monologue.

[edit] Table Stakes [1.15]

Catherine: [To Grissom, who is staring in awe at a group of showgirls who pass by] Close your mouth.
[Warrick is unhappy about Catherine assigning him to a different case]
Catherine: 419 at The Sphere, glass elevator. You're on it.
Warrick: This is a big case. I'm in a groove here.
Catherine: Well, groove on down to the Strip.
Warrick: Whatever happened to "You cross the tape, you go the distance"?
Catherine: I was probably saying that to get you to service my needs at the time.
Catherine: You want to take that thing off your head, Greg? It's evidence.
Greg: Cool your jets, Cath. I already got all the evidence out of it. Now, it's all woman. Did you ever wear one of these when you were dancing?
Catherine: I wore nothing but skin.
Greg: Ooh.

[edit] Too Tough to Die [1.16]

Grissom: If you try and chase two rabbits you end up losing them both.
Grissom: Every day we meet people on the worst day of their lives.
Sara: I wish I were like you, I wish I didn't feel anything.
Sara: [To Grissom] What type of system rewards the killer, when the victim is too tough to die?
Grissom:What do you do for fun?
Sara:I chase rabbits...
Sara: I don't like anything ... I read crime books and I listen to my scanner.
Eddie: ...By taking our daughter to dinner.
Catherine: Get over here.
Eddie: Come on, what? What?
Catherine: Just so pathetic.
Eddie: What?
Catherine: Just so pathetic.
Eddie: Watch it, Cath.
Catherine: Sucking up to our daughter 'cause I caught you robbing me.
Eddie: The only thing I ever robbed you of was good sex.
Catherine: No sex is worth you and you are not taking my daughter to a club with one of your music whores.
Eddie: Oh they are whores? When I met you, you were taking your clothes off in a strip club.
Catherine: It was a job Ed and it supported you just like every job I had, including this one.
Eddie: And who paid you to close up your nose?
Grissom: Let's go for her.
Grissom: Catherine?
Catherine: Just keep him out of here.
Grissom: [to Eddie] I don't wanna ever see you in this building again. This is our place of business, you understand?
Eddie: I always knew you two had a thing.
Grissom: Go home Eddie.
Eddie: Sure.

[edit] Face Lift [1.17]

Grissom: I think our robbery suspect just became our homicide victim
Catherine: Well that's one way to avoid the rap.
Grissom: I have a question
Teri: Ok?
Grissom: Since I screwed up our last date, would we ever have dinner again?
Teri: Oh we'll have dinner... just not together.
Sara: Interesting voicemail you left me
Warrick: What's that?
Sara: Meet me behind CSI and bring a night gown? I'll wear it for you but uh, I prefer pajamas.
Grissom: I hear that Greg found uranium on the swab from Felton's skull.
Nick: Yeah. He says I'm okay, but you know Greg. Tell me, am I radiating a green glow?

[edit] $35K O.B.O. [1.18]

Nick: Pulled a couple of hairs off of our male stabbing vic.
Greg: Okay. Baby. Uh-huh.
Nick: What?
Greg: Nine lives.
Nick: Cat hair?
Greg: Meow.
Nick: Hey, Greg.
Greg: Shh. I might be looking at the mother of my children here.
Nick: Somebody's been putting in way too much overtime.
Greg: No, this is serious. I had a date last night. And this girl has the most impossible green eyes. Just, BAM. Shoulder-length blonde hair, intelligent. And she smells so good.
Nick: Cute toes?
Greg: Oh, ideal. And none longer than the big toe. Both feet. But you know I need to know what is on the inside.
Nick: What's in her heart?
Greg: No, her DNA. This girl has got some fine epithelials.
Nick: Dude, you're sick. Man, you have officially lost it.
Greg: There's a guy in Louisville, he charges 300 clams to test your spouse's underwear for foreign DNA. Now that guy is sick. I'm just a romantic.
Nick: Whatever happened to getting to know someone over coffee? Letting the relationship evolve. Romantic is sending flowers, not bogarting her skin cells.
Greg: Oh that's boring.
Grissom: You know what they say about looks.
Brass: They can be deceiving?
Grissom: They can kill.
Grissom: [Looking at beetle found at crime scene.] Can I keep him?

[edit] Gentle, Gentle [1.19]

Warrick:: I'm all over it like a cheap suit. (edit)
Grissom:: Have you let anyone else touch this note? Police, a relative, anyone?
Dad:: No, just us. Why?
Grissom:: Well, because the person who touched it before you has your son, and he's just left us the first piece of the puzzle.
Catherine:: A guy cheats, but the wife commits murder. How come moms always end up the bad guy with you Freud types?
Brass:: Geez. Haven't these people ever heard of divorce?
Sara:: You told me a few weeks ago that nothing is personal. No victim should be special. Everyone follows your lead.
Grissom:: Everyone didn't find that baby. I did. And that little boy is dead because someone lost their temper or screwed up, or god knows what. So, excuse me, but this victim is special.

[After getting punched in the head by a papprazzi]

Catherine: [Hands him an ice pack]: Ice.
Grissom:: I don't need this.
Catherine:: Just do it.

[Grissom holds the ice pack on his head]

Catherine:: You're an average family, burdened with a tragedy that put you under a microscope. That close, nobody can look good.

[edit] Sounds of Silence [1.20]

[Grissom walks in with Dr. Gilbert, the female president of the School for the Deaf]
Sara: So that's why Grissom's late.
Warrick: You just don't like other women in his life.
Sara: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.
[Grissom wouldn't tell them how he learned sign language]
Sara: [coming into the room] What was that all about? Grissom signs?
Warrick: What does Grissom drink when he goes out at night?
Sara: He goes out?
Warrick: Exactly. Who knows anything about that guy?
Greg: I am the man.
Warrick: Why, what'd you do? Let me guess, you ran a DNA profile on the blood from the dead guy's knuckles and you got a match?
Greg: No.
Grissom: You ran a DNA profile and something very distinctive popped up?
Greg: Not quite.
Warrick: You made it out of bed and you dressed yourself?
Greg: ...no.

[edit] Justice is Served [1.21]

[Catherine and Sara have just seized a carnival as evidence and Sara is grinning madly.]
Catherine: [annoyed] What?
Sara: Well, this is fun.
Catherine: As opposed to...?
Sara: A more scientific approach.
Dr. Hillridge: [to Grissom] I guess one man's corpse is another man's candy. Care for a sip? Full of folacin.
Dr. Hillridge: You want an empirical experience...I've got a fresh one [protein powder shake made from human organs] in my fridge.
[Grissom looks away. An officer leads Dr. Hillridge away]
Officer: She is nuts, right?
Grissom: She's a cold blooded killer.

[edit] Evaluation Day [1.22]

Grissom: [Looking at detached head] It means 6 - 8 hours ago someone lost their head and then... someone lost their head.
Warrick: [Sitting in a rollercoaster seat] Whatever happened to my evaluation?
Grissom: You're sitting in it!
[Grissom and Catherine are examining a head]
Grissom: Do you think a woman could've done this?
Catherine: I could.
[Grissom glances at her, then back to the head]
Grissom: Scared of you...

[edit] The Strip Strangler [1.23]

Grissom: The last time a security guard tried to help me, he ended up dead.
Grissom: Repeat after me, Silk silk silk.
Nick: Silk silk silk.
Grissom: Now what do cows drink?
Nick: Milk.
Grissom: They drink water. They produce milk.
Nick: Catherine. say, "Silk silk silk"
Catherine: Silk silk silk.
Nick: Now what do cows drink?
Catherine: Water.
Nick: Never mind.
Catherine: Never doubt and never look back. That's how I live my life.
Grissom: I admire that.

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Burked [2.1]

Warrick: Black tar heroin. This is the difference between a Cadillac and a Pinto.
Brass: How would you know?
Warrick: It's my job. I count at least six balloons, and that's just in the bedroom. The dealer must have come down the chimney. It's like Christmas in July here. Not that Braun even needed any more drugs.
Brass: Yeah, looks like the guy had a pill for everything. Can you get a print off those balloons?
Warrick: I can get a print off the air.
Janine Haywood: I told you I dropped them down the bathroom sink.
Brass: First time I heard that.
Janine Haywood: Look, I took two, gave Tony two and I accidentally dropped fifteen or twenty down the sink. It was an accident. You know, an accident? Haven't you ever spilled a drink?
Catherine: Not lately. We found fifty Xanax in Tony's stomach.
Janine Haywood: Don't pin that on me. I'd left.
Catherine: I'll tell you what you left -- your fingerprints all over the prescription bottle.
Janine Haywood: I went to the pharmacy waited in line picked up the prescription signed for it brought it back to the house. You know, Tony did nothing for himself except work and get high.
Brass: Got you a brand-new Mercedes, didn't it?
Janine Haywood: Yes, it did. And it'll buy me the dress I wear at Tony's funeral, too.
Brass: Look, when you left your half a house where did you go?
Janine Haywood: A friend's.
Brass: Well, let's get her on the line.
Janine Haywood: She's out of town.
Brass: Let me guess -- she's incommunicado.
Janine Haywood: That means you can't reach her? Yeah.
Grissom: In the last 48 hours have you been anywhere else besides those two places?
Walt Braun: No. My life's pretty routine.
Grissom: It might just get a little more routine.
Catherine: [to Grissom] Is this part of the Sherlock Holmes Fan Club Kit?
Grissom: It's been 24 minutes, Greg. When is this thing going to be done?
Greg: Well, with all due respect sir, it's not a baked potato. Did I ever tell you I used to live in New York?
Grissom: Is this going to be a short story or a novel?
[The mass spectrometer beeps and gives out the test results]
Greg: Excuse me. You know, heroin has a nine-minute half-life. After that, it metabolizes into morphine.
Grissom: What's the 6-MAM count?
Greg: A hundred fifty-eight nanograms per mil. Definitely not lethal. The same with your Xanax. Quarter-mil tabs, hundred micrograms per liter. Again, not lethal. There's addicts walking around Times Square with more drugs in their system.
Grissom: So Braun should still be walking around.
[Grissom turns to leave but stops]
Grissom: ...and the point of your New York story was...?
Greg: Oh, I was just going to tell you about another way to take heroin.. a suppository up the coolee. You just stand on your head, and then you let gravity...forget it!
Greg: Oh, is that alcohol on a bug bite? That's like butter on burns, man. Wives' tale.
Nick: Yeah, this is the guy who told me to put hemorrhoid cream on my acne.
Greg: Worked, didn't it?
Sam Braun: I remember the first time I saw you. You didn't have any clothes on.
Catherine: Yeah, well, that was a long time ago.
Sam Braun: I would've taken you home right then if I could have.
Catherine: I know, but you were married and I was a baby. It would've never worked!
Catherine: Who is this?
Brass: It's Braun's squeeze. She's an ex-stripper too. Perhaps you two met in a professional capacity.
Catherine: And, uh, where has she been the past 12 hours?
Brass: Uh, let's see. [he pulls out his notebook] Quote: "Out." Endquote.
Brass: [to a suspect] Newsflash, sweetheart. You can't make a deal if you keep your mouth shut.
Grissom: Would you mind if I took a picture for my bite collection?
Walt Braun: Whatever rubs your Buddha.
Grissom: Did you try this coffee?
Nick: Mm-mm.
Grissom: The last cup I had tasted like motor oil.
[Greg runs in]
Greg: Oh, don't touch it. That's my pot!
Grissom: Your pot?
Greg: Yeah, you know, from my own private stash. Blue Hawaiian -- $40 a pound. Only grown a couple times a year on the Big Island hand-picked to perfection.
Grissom: Good. You're using my water so I guess that makes it community coffee.

[edit] Chaos Theory [2.2]

Greg: Well, this is one way to get her DNA. Bring me her whole life.
Sara: It's called zeal, Greg.
Greg: Or overkill.
Grissom: It's called protocol. Let's get on with it.
Grissom: Friedrich Miescher requests my presence?
Greg: Figured out my code huh? Well you know my boy, Freddie, discovered DNA.
Grissom: He's been dead a hundred years, Greg.
Henry McFadden: Paige and I dated once or twice. She wasn't my type. If you haven't noticed... I'm in the system now. The talent pool's pretty deep.
Nick: She dumped you!
Grissom: We told them what happened.
Catherine: Yeah. But we didn't give them what they needed... closure.
Grissom: Truth brings closure.
Catherine: Not always.
Catherine: No one can predict more than a few seconds into the future.
Nick: I predict I'll still be standing here one minute from now.
Warrick: Where are we going with this?
Grissom: Paige was in her dorm room and then ended up in the dumpster. Somewhere between her dorm room and the dumpster is our answer. That's where we're going. Coming, Nick?
Warrick: [to Nick] Nice try, Nostradamus.
Warrick: Where you been?
Grissom: I can't be everywhere, Warrick and they've banned human cloning.
Grissom: [To Greg] Are we paying you by the word?
Grissom: You showered.
Catherine: Thanks for noticing Gil, you're very observant.
Grissom: [studying a surveillance tape and inadvertently blocking Catherine's view]) Yeah? Well ... I can't tell what I'm observing here. What does that look like?
Catherine: A five-foot-eleven workaholic.
Nick: You know, it's easier to get a master's degree than a parking spot on campus.
Grissom: H.L. Mencken once said, "There's an easy solution to every human problem -- neat, plausible ... and wrong." So if the solution to our problem is not neat, plausible and wrong; then it could be messy, unlikely and right. Right? A butterfly flaps its wings in Brazil we got a Hurricaine on the coast of Florida...Chaos Theory
Warrick: Here we go
Grissom: Random events, the whole sole rejection of linear thought...
Warrick: Physics meet Philosophy
Grissom: If we apply it to our case, at this particular moment in time, then we can say life is unpredictable.
Catherine: No one can predict more than a few seconds into the future.
Nick: I predict I'll still be standing here one minute from now.
Warrick: Where are we going with this?
Grissom: Paige was in her dorm room and then ended up in the dumpster. Somewhere between her dorm room and the dumpster is our answer. That's where we're going. Coming, Nick?
Warrick: [to Nick] Nice try, Nostradamus.
Sara: Five Hundred Dollars. That's huge money at her age if you actually get it. That's a big college racket, like buying books back.
Grissom: Why would anyone want to sell their books?
Grissom: People don't vanish, Jim. It's a molecular impossibility.

[edit] Overload [2.3]

Grissom: Man versus Gravity. Man lost.
Grissom: Suicide, huh? I don't know, Brian. On the day you decide to end your life, why would you go to work?
Sheriff: What happened to good old dusting for prints?
Grissom: When your crime scene is 12 stories up I don't want to take any chances.
Catherine: Naked kid under a blanket at his shrink's late at night and his mother's there.
Greg: Your case just entered a whole new dimension of weird.
Grissom: Hey, is that from the deli?
Sara: Egg salad sandwich. You want half?
Grissom: No. Can I have your pickle?
Sara: You can have it.
Grissom: Oh, that's a nice one.
Grissom: [after he lights up the pickle] You know this is how I cooked my hot dogs in college.
Sara: You turned my pickle into a lightbulb!
Sara: We quit before we should have.
Grissom: Yeah, you did.
Greg: FYI, 30 swabs in six hours is not realistic even for me.
Catherine: You're racing me Nick. We're driving the same car.
Sheriff: Actions have consequences, Gil, even yours.
Warrick: [To Grissom] So you just proved murder.
Greg: I wouldn't break out that champagne just yet. Don't go shooting the messenger. Thumb print from the nail.
Catherine: What's the matter with you?
Nick: I'm on a case.
Catherine: We're on a case.
Nick: Right...
Warrick: You want his blood?
Grissom: One pint. To go.
Greg: I think I smell something burning in the DNA lab. I'd love to stay and chat...
Grissom: Greg, that better not be the crossword puzzle.
Greg: Cheese, milk, sweaters. What do these things have in common?
Catherine: Goat cheese, goat milk.
Nick: Goat sweaters?
Catherine: Angora.
Greg: Ding, ding, ding.
Sheriff: [about Grissom talking to Brass] What was that about?
Grissom: Ah, we're in a bowling league together.
Warrick: Robert Harris. Does that name mean anything?
Grissom: Yeah, especially if you bet against me.
Warrick: Bobby Dawson's taking odds. 2:1 Grissom's wrong, 5:1 he gets suspended for shutting down the jail house, 10:...
Sara: Fired?
Grissom: [To the Sheriff] You look like the Sheriff, but you talk like the Mayor.

[edit] Bully for You [2.4]

Brass: Who said the shooter was scared?
Grissom: Shot him in the back.
Brass: With his zipper down and his hands otherwise engaged.
Grissom: Yeah. We're looking for a coward.
Greg: You smell like death.
Sara: I've heard.
Greg: You know ... a real man wouldn't mind.
Warrick: Hey Sara what were you in high school?
Sara: Science Nerd.
Nick: You changed, you still smell.

[edit] Scuba Doobie-Doo [2.5]

Sara:: What's your pulse at now?


Catherine: Hey, I just talked to your partner. Working this case without me, huh?
Nick: Hmm?
Catherine: Greg Sanders?
Nick: Leggo my Greggo. He's a CSI wannabe. Please.

[edit] Alter Boys [2.6]

David:: I hate when you CSI guys get territorial.
Catherine:: Yeah well the victim's family hate it when we don't.
Grissom:: We both have jobs that begin after the crime.
Father Powell:: After the sin.
Grissom:: Some people would call that a career in futility.
Father Powell:: Some people call it a vocation.
Father Powell:: You don't believe?
Grissom:: In religion. I believe in God, in science, in Sunday supper. I don't believe in rules that tell me how I should live.
Father Powell:: Even if they're handed down by God?
Grissom:: How many crusades were fought in the name of God? How many people died because of someone's religion?
Father Powell:: Fanaticism, not religion.
Grissom:: Semantics. They're still dead.
Father Powell:: He needs spiritual guidance.

[Grissom looks at the suspect, then looks at the dead body]

Grissom:: Yeah, I imagine he does.
Father Powell:: Ah. Then you'd have no problem with my talking to him.
Grissom:: It's the 11th hour. I wouldn't expect anything less.
Father Powell:: Eleventh hour?
Grissom:: When the reality of their actions sets in, they usually turn to religion.
Father Powell:: Can you think of a better time?

[edit] Caged [2.7]

Greg:: Okay, now, this is a 66-kilodalton globular protein, composed of two disulfide-linked sub-units, A and B.
Nick:: Very impressive.
Greg:: And I know what you all think of me -- I'm just another pretty face who got to where I am by sleeping with Catherine.
Grissom:: Aaron Pratt is a high-functioning autistic man with superior right brain abilities.
Nick:: Kind of sounds like you.
Greg:: Can I help it if I'm hip?
Dr. Robbins:: I love this table.

[Sara is holding a dog she found at the crime scene]

Brass:: That's not yours, is it?
Sara:: I'm collecting evidence. (edit)

[Greg opens cupboard door and pulls book out]

Nick:: Always thought you kept your porn in there.
Greg:: I move it around.

[edit] Slaves of Las Vegas [2.8]

Sara:: We want to know if you saw anything unusual last night?
Guy Handing Out Fliers:: Unusual? I don't know what city you live in, but in Las Vegas "unusual" is what happens when you leave the house.

Lady Heather: It's just about knowing yourself, being strong and not taking any crap from powerful jerks who are used to giving it all day long.

Lady Heather: I can read anyone who walks through this door and know their desires. Sometimes even before they do.

Grissom: I'm that obvious, huh?

Lady Heather: Only because you try not to be.

Catherine:: I just realized that you and I have a very healthy relationship.
Grissom:: We do?
Catherine:: When we have a problem, I don't paint Greg in latex and stick a straw up his nose.
Grissom:: Good. He'd probably like it.
Catherine:: You're supposed to say something revealing back to me.
Grissom:: Okay. I never told anyone this, Catherine......

[screen fades to black]

[edit] And Then There Were None [2.9]

Grissom:: Dressed as a woman among men dressed as women. Now, see? That's a disguise.
Grissom:: A Harvard professor conducted an experiment. Asked a bunch of students to watch a basketball game - count the number of times the ball was passed.
Brass:: Yeah? Groundbreaking.
Grissom:: During the game a person dressed in a gorilla suit ran across the court. Afterward, the professor asked the students if they noticed the gorilla. Fifty percent responded, "what gorilla?"
Brass:: That's wonderful, Gil. If I see a gorilla, I'll arrest it.
Catherine: Fluorescent powders?
Sara: Ye, why not, they're in the kit.
Catherine: Protocol's black.
Sara: Since when do you care about my choice of powders?
Catherine: Assistant coroner is four hours late and we are stuck out here until he transports the body and I haven't even heard from Grissom.
Sara: You know I've never tried green.
Catherine: I should never have been sent to this remote scene in the first place I've got seniority, I deserve no, I've earned the right to pick my cases.
Sara hands her a candy bar:
Catherine: If I start eating I will shut up.
Sara: Do you have a mirror?
Catherine: Since when do you care about your appearance?... I mean at a crime scene.
Sara: It's not for me.

[edit] Ellie [2.10]

Grissom:: Whoa. Careful. Livestock. [Holds up his jar of roaches] Hissing roaches from Madagascar.
Catherine:: Sorry.
Grissom:: These babies run two and a half miles an hour.
Catherine:: I don't doubt that for a minute.
Grissom:: Fifth annual entomological convention in Duluth. Cockroach racing finals.

[Grissom pushes the door to his office open and walks in. Catherine follows]

Catherine:: You're roach racing.
Grissom:: Actually, I'm giving a tutorial on preserving mass crime scenes. The sideshow is racing this guys.
Catherine:: Ah.
Grissom:: I mean, to have a chance to run against legendary roaches like Cocky Balboa, The Drain Lover, Priscilla, Queen of the Gutters. It's huge.
Catherine:: What do you feed those guys?
Grissom:: Dog food.
Catherine:: And who's...supervising night shift?
Grissom:: You are.
Catherine:: Me? I am on the red-eye to Reno. The Braun Family is opening a new casino. I am Sam's date.
Grissom:: That's tonight?
Catherine:: I told you once, memo'd you twice. [she sighs. Grissom is distracted by the roaches in the container]
Grissom:: Man, these guys are primed.
Catherine: [leaving]: Better get somebody.
Warrick: The job is fine. It's the other stuff -- the personalities.
Grissom: I love mankind, it's people I can't stand.
Warrick: Is that Einstein?
Grissom: Linus.
Warrick: Charlie Brown. Figures.

[edit] Organ Grinder [2.11]

Sara:: The average American hotel room is covered with stains invisible to the naked eye.
Grissom:: Yeah, but they're not all biological. Some are soda stains, food stains, whiskey stains, you know.
Sara:: No matter how clean or expensive the room seems that why always travel with nonoxinol nine.
Grissom:: You sound like you're making a commercial.

[edit] You've Got Male [2.12]

Nick: Sara?
Sara: Yeah?
Nick: You've got to get out more. (Turns and walks away)
Sara: (Shocked, she walks back down the hallway.)

[edit] Identity Crisis [2.13]

[Nick is examining a car]

Greg:: Is this the car the guy was killed in?

[Nick is clearly startled]

Nick:: He was killed in the warehouse. And don't sneak up on a person like that!
Greg:: Now you know how I feel, like ten times a day.

[edit] The Finger [2.14]

Grissom:: Okay, let's run this. Amanda was tired of being number two, so she calls up Mrs. Logan to discuss her affair with her husband. But Mrs. Logan doesn't just discuss it she throws down the gauntlet.
Catherine:: Amanda broke the only rule. Don't call the missus.
Nick:: Now he really has a problem.
Warrick:: Two problems. His wife is going to leave him, take half his money and he was going to jail.
Sara:: You got to admit, his solution was ingenious.
Grissom:: Most killers take their time planning a murder. He took his time covering it up. Forty-eight hours to be precise. So Logan cleans up the crime scene and calls his lawyer. Asks him to help him with his little charade. I mean, what better way to protect your assets than to pay a kidnapper who's already on retainer?
Catherine:: Everything from that point on was calculated.
Grissom:: Blood on his hands...he's the last customer of the day at the bank. Acting suspiciously...
Catherine:: ...driving recklessly.
Warrick:: He knew he'd get hauled in to the cops.
Catherine:: You bet your ass. He didn't leave those sunglasses behind by accident. His cell phone rang on cue. The call's for me. He practically forced that money into his lawyer's hands.
Grissom:: Out of one pocket, into the other. I especially liked the little show he did for us in the coroner's lab. Trying to find out how much we knew.
Nick:: Why make the map? Why lead Catherine to the body?
Grissom:: Because without the body Logan would always be under suspicion.
Sara:: If not by the police, by his wife.
Warrick:: So, he left these wine glasses for you to find.
Catherine:: Sure, we wanted us to suspect the wife. That's why he used her SUV to transport the body. And he let me mark the money because he knew that eventually his lawyer would touch it.
Sara:: Why though? The money was in a suitcase.
Warrick:: A million dollars. Pretty tempting.
Grissom:: I saw the locker and I saw Logan's briefcase. It was too big to fit inside. His lawyer had to remove the cash by hand.
Sara:: How could he possibly know that Catherine was going to mark the money?
Warrick:: He didn't. He probably thought the bank marked it.
Nick:: Besides, there's always fingerprints.
Catherine:: So I did everything in my power to help him.

[edit] Burden of Proof [2.15]

[A bug crawls out of the man's shirt]

Catherine:Oh look, one of your friends.
Grissom: It's a carpet beetle, it shouldn't be here.
Catherine: Vic seem more like a hard-wood floor kinda guy to you?

[Sara and Cath are in the hallway walking into the breakroom]

Sara:: Wow, you got to go to the body farm?
Catherine:: Yeah.
Sara:: I've always wanted to go there. What was it like?
Catherine:: Quiet.

[Now in the breakroom]

Warrick:: I hear Grissom goes there all the time. Like even on his nights off.
Nick:: [Walking over to the fridge]Why does that not surprise me? [He opens the fridge and sighs] Man, something stinks in here again. [He grabs his lunch out of the fridge]
Sara:: What, bad milk? Cottage-cheese bad?
Nick:: Worse. It's all over my sandwich. Smell that. [He hands her his sandwich, she reacts to the smell. She then kneels down to look in the fridge and sees a container on the top shelf]
Sara:: Yeah. He's got one of his experiments in there.
Nick:: You're kidding me?
Catherine: Blood or bugs?
Sara:: It's not bugs.
Warrick:: Oh, that's so not cool. That's a community fridge.
Nick:: Man, someone has got to talk to Grissom about this.
Grissom: [Walking in]: Talk to me about what?
Nick:: You leaving your experiments in our refrigerator.
Grissom:: Well, the lab fridge was full. I put in last night.
Nick:: Well...
Grissom:: I'm going to test for horizontal motion on bloodstains. Vis-a-vis surface textures. [Nick looks annoyed. Catherine takes a sip of her coffee and discretely tries to ignore the smell. Grissom is clueless as he takes out the container of blood from the fridge and opens it] Hey, any of you guys got any linoleum at home? [Catherine catches a smell of the open container and this time, she discretely pinches her nose trying to avoid the smell. Sara is quiet]
Nick: [sits down still annoyed at being ignored] That blood is rank, man.
Grissom: I know. That's why the Red Cross gives it to us 'cause it's past its expiration date. [Grissom puts it back in the fridge and talks to Catherine about the case a little then leaves]
Warrick:: Way to go, Nick. You really told him.
Nick:: I told him...he just didn't hear it.

[edit] Primum Non Nocere [2.16]

Catherine: Pucks, bucks and... chicks
Sara: Since when are you interested in beauty?
Grissom: Since I met you.
Gil Grissom: There are three things in life people like to stare at - a rippling stream, a fire in a fireplace, and a zamboni going round and round.
Sara: Charlie Brown. I love a zamboni.
Gil Grissom: We all do.
Grissom: What is Victoria's secret, I wonder?
Sara: Beauty, Grissom, remember?

[edit] Felonius Monk [2.17]

Nick:: How do you get one vic, let alone four... To sit still while you put a bullet between their eyes.
Grissom:: They were praying.
Nick:: Yeah, for mercy.
Grissom:: For whoever was shooting them.
Nick: Guy in the robe flagged down an officer.
Grissom: Guy in the robe is a monk, Nick.
Nick: Yeah. Well. [Nick looks at the monk for several seconds then turns back to Grissom] He's a quiet monk.
Grissom:: Wherever you live is your temple. If you treat it like one.
Sara:: State your source.
Grissom:: Buddha.

[edit] Chasing the Bus [2.18]

Grissom:: We need a treadmill, a big one.
Nick:: All right, to do what?
Grissom:: To exercise a bus.

[edit] Stalker [2.19]

[Nick walks into the break room after pulling down a departmental newsletter from a bulletin board entitled "CRIME STOPPER" with an article about him]
Sara: [laughing]
Warrick: Who wrote this?
Nick: You're kidding me, right?
Warrick: [dramatic voice] Nick Stokes, crime stopper! [Warrick and Sara laugh] You went Hollywood on me man!
Sara: And I quote, 'In his off time, he enjoys creating and inventing toys.' That's...facinating...what kind of toys do you make Nick?
Nick: I thought I got my hands on all those departmental newsletters. Where'd you get those?
Sara and Warrick: [simultaneously ] Greg.
Nick: [pause] Yeah, that figures.
Psychic Detective: [talking to Nick after seeing a vision involving him and his home] Green tea! Green tea....does that mean anything to you? Green tea?

[edit] Cats in the Cradle [2.20]

Nick:: Hey.
Sara:: Hey!
Nick:: Wow. You look...
Sara:: Happy?
Nick:: Smug. Actually.
Sara:: How is that possible? The mechanic saw the bomb.
Nick:: X-ray vision?
Nick:: Hmm... hello, sweetheart.
Sara:: End cap.
Nick:: Pipe bomb.

[edit] Anatomy of a Lye [2.21]

Greg:: Your vehicle was painted Sarasota Silver. Also, only available on the S-Series '99 models. I checked with the Mercedes State Rep. Five were sold in Nevada. Sara's tracking down the owners.
Grissom:: You've, uh, already shared this information with Sara?
Greg:: Yeah, an hour ago. And she was way more fascinated than you are.
Grissom:: Well, I'm somewhat fascinated by the fact that I'm your boss, but you talked to her first.
Greg:: Well, you were at dinner.
Grissom:: I've been in the lab all day, Greg.

[edit] Cross-Jurisdictions [2.22]

[Nick and Sara are dusting a champaign bottle]

Sara:: Hey Nick, have you ever been to a swingers party?
Nick:: Well, if it's the same thing as a frat party yeah, lots of them. You know, you get enough booze going things can get pretty wild.
Sara:: Frat party, huh? Well, I wouldn't know anything about that.

[edit] THe Hunger Artist [2.23]

Dr. Robbins: Educated guess: Beautification. She was injected with pig botulism. Botox ... the ultimate wrinkle cream.
Grissom: How did it get into her bloodstream?
Dr. Robbins: Bad doctor. Missed the muscle. Shot directly into her supratrochlear vein.
Grissom: Amazing the advances we make in science and