Blackadder

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Blackadder (1983, 1986-89, 1999) by Richard Curtis, Ben Elton, and Rowan Atkinson

The Black Adder: Foretelling Born Archbishop Queen Witchsmeller Black Seal
Blackadder II: Bells Head Potato Money Beer Chains
Blackadder the Third: Dish Ink Nob Sense Amy Duel
Blackadder Goes Forth: Cook Punishment Star Plane Hospital Goodbyeee
Specials: Cavalier Years Christmas Carol Back & Forth
Unidentified episode See also External links

[edit] The Black Adder

[edit] The Foretelling

Edmund: I like the cut of your jib, young fella me lad. What's your name?
Baldrick: My name is Baldrick, My lord.
Edmund: Then I shall call you Baldrick, Baldrick.
Baldrick: And I shall call you "my lord", my lord.
Percy: It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.
Prince Edmund: Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms will end up at Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up in a tree somewhere in Rutland.

[edit] Born to Be King

[King Richard IV is about to set out on a crusade against the Turks]
Richard IV: As the good Lord said: "Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless he's Turkish, in which case, kill the bastard!"
Edmund: Don't be absurd. Such activities are totally beyond my mother. My father only got anywhere with her because he told her it was a cure for diarrhoea.

[edit] The Archbishop

Harry: Yes, that's right. A tragic accident.
Edmund: Almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertram being struck by a falling gargoyle whilst swimming off Beachy Head.
Harry: Yes, or Archbishop Wilfred slipping and falling backwards on to the spire of Norwich Cathedral. Oh, Lord, you do work in mysterious ways.
Baldrick: There seem to be four major profit areas. Curses, pardons, relics, and selling the sexual favours of nuns.
Edmund: Selling the sexual favours of nuns... you mean some people actually pay for them?
Baldrick: Yeah, well, foreign businessmen, other nuns...

[edit] The Queen of Spain's Beard

King: Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the king of France in sympathy for the death of his son.
Chiswick: The one you had murdered, mylord?
King: [Absentmindedly] Yes, yes, that's the fellow.
King: Chiswick, take this to the Queen of Naples. [Hands him a lidded goblet]
Chiswick: What is it, mylord?
King: The King of Naples.

[edit] Witchsmeller Pursuivant

Witchsmeller: [Talking about Ordeal by axe] The suspect has his head placed upon a block, and an axe aimed at his neck. If the man is guilty, the axe will bounce off his neck -- so we burn him. If the man is not guilty, the axe will simply slice his head off.
Percy: Look, look, I just can't take the pressure of all these omens anymore!
Edmund: Percy!
Percy: No, no, really, I'm serious! Only this morning in the courtyard I saw a horse with two heads and two bodies!
Edmund: Two horses standing next to each other?
Percy: ... Yes, I suppose it could have been...

[edit] The Black Seal

Edmund: Percy, you are dismissed from my services.
Percy: Me? Why?
Edmund: Because Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly. And the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a furry cod-piece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. THAT is why you are dismissed.
Edmund: He murdered his whole family!
Pete: Who didn't? I certainly killed mine.
Wilfred: And I killed mine.
Friar: And I killed yours.
Sean: Did you?
Friar: Yes.
Sean: Good on you, Father.

[edit] Blackadder II

[edit] Bells

Blackadder: This is the Jane Harrington?
Percy: Yes.
Blackadder: Jane 'Bury Me in a Y-Shaped Coffin' Harrington?
Percy: I think there may be two Jane Harringtons -
Blackadder: No, no.. Tall, blonde, elegant..?
Percy: Yes, that's her...
Blackadder: Goes like a privy door when the plague's in town?
Dr. Leech: It isn't every day a man wakes up to discover he's a screaming bender with no more right to live on God's clean Earth than a weasel. Ashamed of yourself?
Blackadder: Not really, no.
Dr. Leech: Bloody Hell. I would be. Still, why should I complain? Just leaves more rampant totty for us real men, eh?
Blackadder: Look, am I paying for this abuse or is it extra?
Dr. Leech: No, no, it's all part of the service.

[edit] Head

Melchett: Grey, I suspect, your Majesty.
Queen Elizabeth: I think you'll find they were orange, Lord Melchett.
Melchett: Grey is more usual, Ma'am.
Queen Elizabeth: Who's Queen?
Melchett: As you say, Majesty. There were these magnificent orange elephants...
Blackadder: To you Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?

[edit] Potato

Blackadder: [on potatoes] People are smoking them, building houses out of them, … they'll be eating them next!
Baldrick: Stranger things have happened my lord, like that horse becoming Pope...
Melchett: [giving a scroll to Blackadder] Farewell, Blackadder! The foremost cartographers of the land have prepared this for you! [Blackadder unrolls the scroll] It's a... map of the area you'll be traversing. [Blackadder inspects the apparently blank scroll] They'd be very grateful if you could just fill it in as you go along. Goodbye!

[edit] Money

Blackadder: The eyes are open, the mouth moves but Mr Brain has long since departed, hasn't he Perce?
Baldrick: Have you got a plan my lord?
Blackadder: Yes I have, and it's so cunning you can brush your teeth with it.

[edit] Beer

[Queen Elizabeth has a lot of good ideas]
Nursie: That was another good idea! [Squeeky laugh] You are so clever today, you better be careful your foot doesn't fall off.
Queen Elizabeth: Does that happen, when you have lots of brilliant ideas? Your foot falls off?
Nursie: Certainly does! My brother, he had this brilliant idea of cutting his toenails with a scythe, and his foot fell off.
Percy: Er, well, Lord Whiteadder, er, a vow of silence, that's quite an interesting thing. Tell me about it!

[edit] Chains

Melchett: As private parts to the gods are we: they play with us for their sport!
Queen Elizabeth: Did you miss me?
Edmund: Ma'am... life without you is like a broken pencil.
Queen Elizabeth: Explain?
Edmund: Pointless.

[edit] Blackadder the Third

[edit] Dish and Dishonesty

Prince George: We paid for this seat! And I think it's a damn liberty we should have to stand for it as well.
Vincent Hanna: Well can you at least tell me one thing. What does the 'S' in his name stand for?
Blackadder: Sod off.
Vincent Hanna: Well, I guess it's none of my business really.

[edit] Ink and Incapability

Prince George: Now I've got my lovely fire, I'm as happy as a Frenchman who's invented a pair of self-removing trousers.
Blackadder: Now Baldrick, go to the kitchen and make me something quick and simple to eat, would you? Two slices of bread with something in between.
Baldrick: Wot, like Gerald Lord Sandwich had the other day?
Blackadder: Yes! A few rounds of geralds.

[edit] Nob and Nobility

Blackadder: How would you like to earn some money?
Comte de Frou-Frou: I would not like to earn it. I would like other people to earn it and give it to me.
Blackadder: Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words "I have a cunning plan" marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?
Baldrick: [With cheeky smile on face] They certainly are sir!
Blackadder: Well, forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy; your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?
Baldrick: We do nothing
Blackadder: Yup, it's another world-beater.

[edit] Sense and Senility

Blackadder: Gentlemen, I've come with a proposition.
Mossop: How dare you, sir! You think, just because we're actors, we sleep with everyone.
Blackadder: I think, being actors, you're lucky to sleep with anyone.
Baldrick: My uncle Baldrick was in a play once.
Blackadder:Really?...And what did he play?
Baldrick: Second codpiece. Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.
Blackadder: So he was a stunt codpiece.
Baldrick: Yes.
Blackadder: Did he have a large part?
Baldrick: Depends who's playing Macbeth.

[edit] Amy and Amiability

[Blackadder discusses finding the Prince a wealthy girl to marry.]
Prince George: Yes, you fix it up! You know the kind of girls I like. They've got to be lovers, laughers, dancers!
Blackadder: And bonkers.
Prince George: Well, that goes without saying!
[Still trying to find a bride for the Prince]
Blackadder: Of the 262 princesses in Europe, 165 are over 80 - they're out - 47 are under 10 - they're out - and 39 are mad.
Baldrick: They sound ideal.
Blackadder: They would be if they hadn't all got married last week in Munich to the same horse.

[edit] Duel and Duality

Blackadder: I want to be remembered when I'm dead. I want books written about me. I want songs sung about me. And then, hundreds of years from now, I want episodes of my life to be played out weekly at half past nine by some great heroic actor of the age.
Baldrick: Yeah, and I could be played by some tiny tit in a beard.
Blackadder: Quite.
[After Baldrick unwisely volunteers Blackadder to pretend to be the Prince for a duel with Wellington.]
Blackadder: Baldrick, does it have to be this way? Our valued friendship ending with me cutting you into long strips and telling the Prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy hat?

[edit] Blackadder Goes Forth

[edit] Plan A: Captain Cook

Melchett: Now, Field Marshall Haig has formulated a brillant new tactical plan to ensure final victory in the field.
Blackadder: Would this brillant plan involve us climbing over the top of our trenches and walking very slowly towards the enemy?
Darling: How did you know that, Blackadder? It's classified information.
Blackadder: It's the same plan we used last time, sir. And the seventeen times before that.
Blackadder: Get me a chisel and some marble, will you, Baldrick?
George: Oh, you're taking up sculpture now, sir?
Blackadder: No, I thought I'd get my headstone done.
George: What are you going to put on it?
Blackadder: Here lies Edmund Blackadder and he's bloody annoyed!

[edit] Plan B: Corporal Punishment

Perkins: He's a dab hand at the prosecution, sir.
Blackadder: Yes, well, look at Oscar Wilde.
Perkins: Oh, butch Oscar.
Blackadder: Big, bearded, bonking, butch Oscar - the terror of the ladies. 114 illegitimate children, world heavyweight boxing champion, and author of the best-selling pamphlet, "Why I Like To Do It With Girls". And Massingbird had him sent down for being a woopsie.
George: I'm a complete duffer at this sort of thing. In the School Debating Society I was voted Boy Least Likely to Complete a Coherent... erm...

[edit] Plan C: Major Star

Blackadder: Yes, in one short evening, I've become the most successful impressario since the manager of the Roman Colosseum thought of putting the Christians and the lions on the same bill.
Blackadder: I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck, and then discovering there's a gas bill tied to it'

[edit] Plan D: Private Plane

Blackadder: Trust you to try and skive off to some cushy option.
Darling: [getting angry] There's nothing cushy about life in the Womens' Auxiliary Balloon Corps!
Flashheart: The first thing to remember is always treat your kite like you treat your woman.
George: Ho-how do you mean, sir? You mean, um... you mean, take her home over the weekend to meet your mother?
Flashheart: No. I mean, get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back!
Blackadder: I'm beginning to see why the Suffragette Movement want the vote.

[edit] Plan E: General Hospital

Blackadder: I spy with my bored little eye… something beginning with 'T'.
Baldrick: Breakfast!
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: My breakfast always begins with tea. Then, I have a little sausage. Then, a egg with some little soldiers.
Blackadder: Baldrick, when I said it begins with 'T', I was talking about a letter.
Baldrick: Nooo, it never begins with a letter! The postman doesn't come 'til 10:30.
Darling: So you see Blackadder, Field Marshal Haig is most anxious to eliminate all these German spies.
Melchett: Filthy Hun weasels, fighting their dirty underhand war!
Darling: And fortunately, one of our spies...
Melchett: Splendid fellows, brave heroes risking life and limb for Blighty!

[edit] Plan F: Goodbyeee...

Blackadder: You mean, how did the war start?
Baldrick: Yes, sir.
George:The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire-building.
Blackadder: George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika. I hardly think we can be entirely absolved from blame on the imperialistic front.
Blackadder: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent a war in Europe, two super blocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side, and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast, opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way, there could never be a war.
Baldrick: Except, well, this is sort of a war, isn't it?
Blackadder: That's right, there was one tiny flaw in the plan.
George: Oh, what was that?
Blackadder: It was bollocks.

[edit] Specials

[edit] Blackadder: The Cavalier Years

Charles I: He spells my doom? Wonderful! Well, that's particularly exciting, because so many people these days can't spell at all!

[edit] Blackadder's Christmas Carol

Lord Blackadder: Ah, Melchett! Greetings! I trust Christmas brings to you its traditional mix of good food and violent stomach cramp.
Lord Melchett: And compliments of the season to you, Blackadder. May the Yuletide log slip from your fire and burn your house down.
[A reformed Ebenezer Blackadder hands Baldrick the money he just lifted from his niece's fiancé.]
Ebenezer: Baldrick, I want you to take this and go out and buy a turkey so large, you'd think its mother had been rogered by an omnibus.
[Baldrick opens the door to find Queen Victoria, Prince Albert, and their aide prepared to give Blackadder a reward for his generosity.]
Queen Victoria: We are Queen Victoria.
Baldrick: What, all three of you?

[edit] Blackadder Back & Forth

[Blackadder enters the time machine with a cunning plan.]
Blackadder: Baldrick, I have a very, very, very cunning plan.
Baldrick: Is it as cunning as a fox what used to be Professor of Cunning at Oxford University, but has moved on, and is now working for the UN at the High Commission of International Cunning Planning?
Blackadder: Yes, it is.
Baldrick: Mm... That's cunning!
[Blackadder kicks Shakespeare's shin.]
Blackadder: That is for Ken Branagh's endless, uncut, four-hour version of Hamlet!
Shakespeare: Who's Ken Branagh?
Blackadder: I'll tell him you said that. And I think he'll be very hurt.

[edit] Unidentified episode

[edit] See also

[edit] External links

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