Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997–2003), created by Joss Whedon, was a television series about Buffy Summers, a teenage girl chosen by fate to battle against vampires, demons, and other supernatural foes. She is often aided by her Watcher and her loyal circle of misfit friends. The first five Seasons of the series aired on The WB; after a network change, the final two seasons aired on UPN.

See Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Format for suggested formatting and inclusion guidelines.

[edit] Contents

Season 1 Season 2 Season 3 Season 4 Season 5 Season 6 Season 7
Welcome to the Hellmouth When She Was Bad Anne The Freshman Buffy vs. Dracula Bargaining 1 Lessons
Some Assembly Required Dead Man's Party Living Conditions Real Me Bargaining 2 Beneath You
The Harvest School Hard Faith, Hope & Trick The Harsh Light of Day The Replacement After Life Same Time, Same Place
Witch Inca Mummy Girl Beauty and the Beasts Fear, Itself Out of My Mind Flooded Help
Teacher's Pet Reptile Boy Homecoming Beer Bad No Place Like Home Life Serial Selfless
Halloween Band Candy Wild at Heart Family All the Way Him
Never Kill Boy on the First Date Lie to Me Revelations The Initiative Fool for Love Once More, With Feeling Conversations with Dead People
The Dark Age Lovers Walk Pangs Shadow Tabula Rasa Sleeper
The Pack What's My Line? 1 The Wish Something Blue Listening to Fear Smashed Never Leave Me
What's My Line? 2 Amends Hush Into the Woods Wrecked Bring on the Night
Angel Ted Gingerbread Doomed Triangle Gone Showtime
Bad Eggs Helpless A New Man Checkpoint Doublemeat Palace Potential
I, Robot... You, Jane Surprise The Zeppo The I in Team Blood Ties Dead Things The Killer in Me
Innocence Bad Girls Goodbye Iowa Crush Older and Far Away First Date
The Puppet Show Phases Consequences This Year's Girl I Was Made To Love You As You Were Get It Done
Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered Doppelgängland Who Are You? The Body Hell's Bells Storyteller
Nightmares Passion Enemies Superstar Forever Normal Again Lies My Parents Told Me
Killed by Death Earshot Where the Wild Things Are Intervention Entropy Dirty Girls
Out of Mind, Out of Sight I Only Have Eyes for You Choices New Moon Rising Tough Love Seeing Red Empty Places
Go Fish The Prom The Yoko Factor Spiral Villains Touched
Prophecy Girl Becoming 1 Graduation Day 1 Primeval The Weight of the World Two to Go End of Days
Becoming 2 Graduation Day 2 Restless The Gift Grave Chosen
Unknown episode See also External links

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Welcome to the Hellmouth

Xander: I kinda had a problem with the math.
Willow: Uh, which part?
Xander: The math.
Buffy: I'm Buffy. I'm new.
Xander: Xander. Is - is me. Hi.
Buffy: Um, thanks.
Xander: Well, uh, maybe I'll see you around... maybe at school... since we... both... go there.
Buffy: Great! It was nice to meet you. [walks away]
Xander: We both go to school. Very suave. Very not pathetic.
Cordelia: Some guy was stuffed in Aura's locker!
Buffy: Dead.
Cordelia: Totally dead. Way dead.
Xander: It's not just a little dead, then?
Cordelia: Don't you have an elsewhere to be?
Giles: There's a reason why you're here, and a reason why it's now!
Buffy: Because now is the time my mom moved here.
Giles: Something's coming, something, something, something is - is gonna happen here. Soon!
Buffy: Gee, can you vague that up for me?
Willow: Well... when I'm with a boy I like, it's hard for me to say anything cool, or, or witty. Or at all. I - I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away.
Buffy: It's not that bad.
Willow: I think boys are more interested in a girl who can talk.
Buffy: You really haven't been dating lately.

[edit] The Harvest

Giles: For as long as there has been vampires, there has been the Slayer. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One...
Buffy:He loves doing this part.
Giles: This world is older than any of you know, and contrary to popular mythology, it did not begin as a paradise. For untold eons, demons walked the Earth, made it their home, their Hell. In time, they lost their purchase on this reality, and the way was made for mortal animals. For Man. What remains of the Old Ones are vestiges: certain magics, certain creatures.
Giles: You have no idea where they took Jesse?
Buffy: I looked around, but soon as they got clear of the graveyard, they could have just, voom!
Xander: They can fly?
Buffy: They can drive.
Giles: It may be that you can wrest some information from that dread machine. [everyone stares] That was a bit, um, British, wasn't it?
Buffy: Welcome to the New World.
Luke: [onstage at The Bronze] Ladies and gentlemen... there is no cause for alarm. Actually, there is cause for alarm. It just won’t do any good.

[edit] Witch

Amy : Oh, how I hate this, let me count the ways.
Willow: You're the Slayer, and we're, like, the Slayerettes!
Xander: I laugh in the face of danger! Then I... hide until it goes away.
Xander: For I am Xander, King of Cretins. May all lesser cretins bow before me.
Joyce: Look what I found. It's my yearbook from junior year. [finds her picture] Oh, look! There I am.
Buffy: Mom, I've accepted that you've had sex. I am not ready to know that you had Farrah hair.
Joyce: This is Gidget hair. Don't they teach you anything in history?

[edit] Teacher's Pet

Giles: That's all he said? Fork Guy?
Buffy: That's all Cryptic Guy said: Fork Guy.
Giles: There are too many guys in your life.
Xander: It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.
Xander: I wonder what she sees in me? It's probably the quiet good looks coupled with a certain smoky magnetism.
Principal Flutie: We all need help with our feelings. Otherwise we bottle them up, and before you know it, powerful laxatives are involved. I really believe if we all reach out to one another we can beat this thing. I'm always here if you need a hug, (jumps back) but not a real hug! Because there's no touching, this school is sensitive to wrong touching.
Cordelia: I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side. You know? Like how even used Mercedes still have leather seats.

[edit] Never Kill a Boy on the First Date

Buffy: See, this is a school, and we have students, and they check out books, and then they learn things.
Giles: I was beginning to suspect that was a myth.
[re: Owen's book selection]
Giles: Oh, Emily Dickinson.
Buffy: We're both fans.
Giles: Yes, she's quite a good poet. I mean for a...
Buffy: [defensively] A girl?
Giles: For an American.
Willow: Buffy has a really important date.
Buffy: Owen!
Giles: All right, I-I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.
Buffy: Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm.
Giles: Well, you know what they say. Ninety percent of the vampire slaying game is, is waiting.
Buffy: You couldn't have told me that ninety percent ago?
Buffy: If the apocalypse comes, beep me.

[edit] The Pack

Xander: We just saw the zebras mating. Thank you, very exciting!
Willow: It was like the Heimlich... with stripes!
Buffy: What is it with those guys?
Willow: They're obnoxious. Professionally.
Xander: Well, every school has 'em. See, you start a new school, you get your desks, some blackboards and some mean kids.
Willow: You remember, you fail math, you flunk out of school, you end up being the guy at the pizza place that sweeps the floor and says, "Hey, kids, where's the cool parties this weekend?" We've been through this.
Giles: Xander's taken to teasing the less fortunate?
Buffy: Uh-huh.
Giles: And, there's been a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor?
Buffy: Yes.
Giles: And, well, otherwise all his spare time is spent lounging about with imbeciles.
Buffy: It's bad, isn't it?
Giles: It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy.
Giles: Testosterone is a great equalizer, it turns all men into morons.

[edit] Angel

Buffy: Angel?
Angel: Hmm?
Buffy: Do you snore?
Angel: I don't know. It's been a long time since anybody's been in a position to let me know.
Buffy: Can a vampire ever be a good person? Couldn't it happen?
Giles: A vampire isn't a person at all. [clears his throat] It may have the movements, the, the memories, even the personality of the person that it took over, but i-it's still a demon at the core, there is no halfway.
Willow: So that'd be a no, huh?
Xander: I know you have feelings for this guy, but it's not like you're in love with him, right? [Buffy looks away] You’re in love with a vampire?! What are you, outta your mind?
Cordelia: What?!?
Xander: [to Cordelia] Not 'vampire' ... [to Buffy] How could you love an umpire? Everyone hates 'em!
Angel: The elders conjured the most perfect punishment for me. They restored my soul.
Buffy: What, they were all out of boils and blinding torment?
Angel: When you become a vampire, the demon takes your body, but it doesn't get your soul; that's gone. No conscience, no remorse, it's an easy way to live. You have no idea what it's like to have done the things I've done, and to care. I haven't fed on a living human being since that day.
Xander: Ah, the post-fumigation party.
Buffy: And what's different between this and the pre-fumigation party?
Xander: Much hardier cockroaches.

[edit] I, Robot... You, Jane

Jenny: More digitized information went across phone lines than conversation.
Giles: That is a fact that I regard with genuine horror.
Giles: I'm just going to stay and clean up a little. I'll be back in the Middle Ages.
Jenny: Did you ever leave?
Giles: I-I-I really don't know how to advise you. Things involved with a computer fill me with a childlike terror. Now, if it were a nice ogre or some such I'd be more in my element.
Jenny: You kids really dig the library, don't you?
Buffy: We're literary.
Xander: To read makes our speaking English good.
Xander: Are we over-reacting? He's in a computer, what can he do?
Buffy: You mean besides convince a perfectly nice kid to try and kill me? I don't know. How about mess up all the medical equipment in the world?
Giles: Randomize traffic signals.
Buffy: Access launch codes for our nuclear missiles.
Giles: Destroy the world's economy.
Buffy: I think I pretty much capped it with that nuclear missile thing.
Giles: Right, yours was best.

[edit] The Puppet Show

Giles: He thought it would behoove me to have more contact with the students. I did attempt to explain that my vocational choice of librarian was a deliberate attempt to minimize said contact, but he would have none of it.
Principal Snyder: My predecessor, Mr. Flutie, may have gone in for all that touchy-feely relating nonsense, but he was eaten. You're in my world now. And Sunnydale has touched and felt for the last time.
Principal Snyder: I know Principal Flutie would have said, "Kids need understanding. Kids are human beings." That's the kind of wooly-headed liberal thinking that leads to being eaten.
Principal Snyder: There are things I will not tolerate: students loitering on campus after school, horrible murders with hearts being removed... and also smoking.
[Marc has tricked Giles into getting into a craftily disguised guillotine.]
Giles: Shouldn't it be aimed at my neck?
Marc: No, no this way your scalp gets sliced off and your brains just come pouring out.
Giles: What exactly is the trick?
Marc: Trick?

[edit] Nightmares

Joyce: You wanna go to school?
Buffy: Sure! Why not?
Joyce: Okay. Good day to buy that lottery ticket.
Xander: Well, the Hellmouth, the center of mystical convergence, supernatural monsters: been there.
Buffy: Little blase' there, aren't you?
Xander: I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party!
Buffy: Thanks for having confidence in me.
Xander: You da man, Buff!
Xander: Our dreams are coming true?
Giles: Dreams? That would be a musical comedy version of this. Nightmares, our-our nightmares are coming true.
The Master: [to Buffy] What's the fun of burying someone if they're already dead?
The Master: [before dropping Buffy into an open grave and burying her alive] A dream is a wish your heart makes.

[edit] Out of Mind, Out of Sight

[The class is discussing 'The Merchant of Venice'.]
Ms. Miller: But has Shylock suffered? What's his place in Venice society?
Willow: Well, everyone looked down on him.
Cordelia: That is such a twinkie defense. Shylock should get over himself. People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of my life, and she's trying to make it about her leg! Like my pain meant nothing.
Principal Snyder: There are no dead students here. This week.
Giles: I've never actually heard of anyone attacked by a lone baseball bat before.
Xander: Maybe it's a vampire bat. [everyone stares at him] I'm alone on that one, huh?
Giles: And, uh, I'll research all the possibilities, ghosts included. But, uh, Xander, if you're not doing anything, would you like to help me?
Xander: What, so there's homework now? When did that happen?
Buffy: It's all part of the glamorous world of vampire slayage.
Giles: A vampire in love with a Slayer. It's rather poetic... in a maudlin sort of way.

[edit] Prophecy Girl

Xander: [practicing to ask Buffy to the Spring Fling dance] Y'know, Buffy, Spring Fling just isn't any dance. It's a time for students to choose, um... a mate and then we can... observe their... mating rituals and tag them before they migrate- just kill me!
Buffy: Wow. That was boring.
Xander: I don't feel that boring covers it.
Buffy: No, boring falls short.
Willow: Even I was bored. And I'm a science nerd.
Buffy: Don't say that.
Willow: I'm not ashamed. It's the computer age. Nerds are in. They're still in, right?
[After Xander was rejected by Buffy.]
Willow: How'd it go?
Xander: On a scale of one to ten? It sucked.
Xander: How could you let her go?
Giles: As the soon-to-be-purple area of my jaw will attest, I did not let her go!
The Master: You were destined to die! It was written!
Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written.


[edit] Season 2

[edit] When She Was Bad

Principal Snyder: The first day back. It always gets me.
Giles: Yes.
Principal Snyder: I mean, it's incredible. One day the campus is completely bare. Empty. The next, there are children everywhere. Like locusts. Crawling around, mindlessly bent on feeding and mating. Destroying everything in sight in their relentless, pointless desire to exist.
Giles: I do enjoy these pep talks. Have you ever considered, given your abhorrence of children, school's principal was not, perhaps, your true vocation?
Principal Snyder: Somebody's got to keep an eye on them. They're just a bunch of hormonal time bombs.
Jenny: We've got vampires? I thought the Hellmouth was closed.
Giles: Well, it's, it's closed, but not gone. The mystical energy that emanates from it is still concentrated in this area.
Xander: Which means we're still the undead's favorite party town.
Cordelia: Oh, look, it's the Three Musketeers.
[The others look at each other.]
Buffy: (to Xander) Was that an insult?
Xander: Kinda lacked punch.
Willow: The Three Musketeers were cool.
Cordelia: I see your point.
Xander: I woulda gone with Stooges.
Cordelia: Well, I just meant that you guys always hang out together. So, did you guys fight any demons this summer?
Willow: Uh, yes! Our own personal demons.
Xander: Uh, such as, as, as lust and, uh, thrift!
Buffy: I would have to go with Stooges also.
Cordelia: Buffy. You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you?
Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous?
Cordelia: [scoffs] I can hold my own.
...
Cordelia: Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. 'Cause pretty soon you're not even gonna have the loser friends you've got now.
Cordelia: What an ordeal. And you know what the worst part is?
Jenny: What?
Cordelia: It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry-clean till Judgment Day, you are living with those stains.
Jenny: Yeah that's the worst part of being hung upside down by a vampire who wants to kill you. The stains.

[edit] Some Assembly Required

Xander: Y'know, this might go a lot faster if you femmes actually picked up a shovel, too.
Giles: Here, here.
Buffy:: Sorry, but I'm an old fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.
Xander: So, both coffins are empty. That makes three girls signed up for the army of zombies.
Willow: Is it an army if you just have three?
Buffy: Zombie drill team then.
Buffy: I don't get it. Why would anybody wanna make a girl?
Xander: [bitterly] You mean when there's so many pre-made ones just laying around? The things we do for love.
Buffy: Love has nothing to do with this.
Xander: Maybe not, but I'll tell you this: people don't fall in love with what's right in front of them. People want the dream. What they can't have. The more unattainable, the more attractive.
Xander: Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me. You ever think that the world is a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped and we're the only ones who don't have a chair?
Willow: All the time.
Cordelia: Xander? I just wanted to thank you for saving my life. What you did in there was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell you if there was anything that I could ever do to...
Xander: Do you mind? We're talking here.
[Cordelia is taken aback, rolls her eyes and leaves.]
Xander: So where were we?
Willow: Wondering why we never get dates.
Xander: Yeah, so why do you think that is?
Buffy: Love makes you do the wacky.
Angel: What?
Buffy: Crazy stuff.
Angel: Oh. Crazy, like a two-hundred-and-forty-one-year-old being jealous of a high school junior?
Buffy: Are you fessing up?
Angel: I've thought about it. Maybe it bothers me a little.
Buffy: I don't love Xander.
Angel: Yeah, but he's in your life. He gets to be there when I can't. Take your classes, eat your meals, hear your jokes and complaints. He gets to see you in the sunlight.

[edit] School Hard

Spike: You've got Slayer problems. That's a bad piece of luck. Do you know what I find works real good with Slayers? Killing them.
Buffy: We were at the Bronze before. Thought you said you might show.
Angel: You said you weren't sure if you were going.
Buffy: I was being cool. C'mon, you've been dating for, what, like, two hundred years? You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show?
Willow: Wow. Two centuries of dating. If you only had two a year, that's still like 400 dates with 400 different... [Awkward beat.] Why do they call it a mace?
Angel: I taught you to always guard your perimeter. [tuts.] You should have someone out there.
Spike: I did. I'm surrounded by idiots. What's new with you?
Angel: Everything.
Spike: Yeah. Come up against this Slayer yet?
Angel: She's cute. Not too bright, though. Gave her the puppy dog "I'm all tortured" act. Keeps her off my back when I feed.
Spike: People still fall for that Anne Rice routine? What a world!
Xander: [to Angel] I knew you were lying. Undead liar guy.
Spike: You think you can fool me?! You were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda!
Angel: Things change.
Spike: Not us! Not demons! Man, I can't believe this. You Uncle Tom! Come on people! This isn't a spectator sport!
Spike: How's the "Annoying one" ?
Drusilla: He doesn't wanna play.
Spike: Figures. Well, suppose I better go make nice. [He walks over to the Anointed One and kneels before him]
The Anointed One: You failed.
Spike: I, um... I offer penance.
Vampire: Penance? You should lay down your life! Our numbers are depleted. The feast of St. Vigeous has been ruined by your impatience!
Spike: I was rash, and if I had to do it all over again... [pauses then starts laughing] Who am I kidding? I would do it exactly the same, only I'd do this... [grabs the Anointed One]
The Anointed One: No!
Spike: ...first! [Spike sticks The Anointed One in the nearby cage and starts pulling a chain, lifting the cage up from the floor] From now on, we're gonna have a little less ritual... and a little more fun around here. [the cage is lifted into the sunlight. The Anointed One screams as he dies]

[edit] Inca Mummy Girl

Buffy: I better stop him before he gets in trouble.
Willow: I got it. The non-violent approach is probably better here. [goes over to Rodney]
Buffy: I wasn't gonna use violence. I don't always use violence. Do I?
Xander: The important thing is you believe that.
Giles: You have responsibilities that other girls do not.
Buffy: Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah blah biddy blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone.
Giles: It's as if you know me.
Devon MacLeish: What does a girl have to do to impress you?
Oz: Well, it involves a feather boa and the theme to A Summer Place. I can't discuss it here.
Devon: You're too picky, man. Do you know how many girls you could have? You're lead guitar, Oz. It's currency!
Oz: I'm not picky. You're just impressed by any pretty girl that can walk and talk.
Devon: She doesn't have to talk.
Xander: Okay, I have something to tell you. And it's kind of a secret, and it's, um, a little bit scary. I like you. A lot. And I want you to go to with me the dance.
Ampata: [laughs] Why was that so scary?
Xander: Well, because you never know if a girl's gonna say 'yes', or if... she's gonna laugh in your face and pull out your still beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel.
Ampata: Hmm. Then you are very courageous.
Xander: I just, present company excluded, I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world, ever.
Buffy: Ampata wasn't evil. At least not to begin with, and... I-I do think she cared about you.
Xander: Yeah, but I think that whole sucking the life out of people thing would have been a strain on the relationship.
Buffy: She was gypped. She was just a girl, and she had her life taken away from her. I remember how I felt when I heard the prophecy that I was gonna die. I wasn't exactly obsessed with doing the right thing.
Xander: Yeah, but you did. You gave up your life.
Buffy: I had you to bring me back.

[edit] Reptile Boy

Angel: Listen, if we date, you and I both know one thing's going to lead to another.
Buffy: One thing already has led to another. You think it's a little late to be reading me a warning label?
Angel: I'm just trying to protect you. This could get out of control.
Buffy: Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?
Angel: [grabs her roughly] This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after.
Buffy: No. When you kiss me I want to die.
Buffy: Look, I wasn't lying. I was just... protecting him [Giles] from information that he wouldn't be able to... digest properly.
Xander: Like a corn dog.
Willow: Like you don't have a sick mother, but you'd rather go to a frat party where there's gonna be drinking and older guys and probably an orgy.
Xander: Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho, rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list?
Buffy: There's no orgies!
Buffy: Angel barely says two words to me.
Xander: Don't you hate that?
Buffy: And when he does, he treats me like I'm a child.
Xander: That bastard!
Buffy: You know, at least Tom can carry on a conversation.
Xander: Yeah! [pause] Tom? Who's Tom?
Willow: The frat guy.
Xander: Oh, Buffy, I don't think so. Frying pan, fire? You know what I'm sayin'?
Giles: She lied to me?
Willow: Well...
Angel: Did... she have a date?
Willow: [to Angel] Well, why do you think she went to that party? Because you gave her the brush-off! [to Giles] And you never let her do anything except work and patrol! And I know she's the Chosen One, but you're killing her with the pressure! I mean, she's sixteen going on forty! [to Angel] And you! I mean, you're gonna live forever! You don't have time for a cup of coffee?? Okay, I don't feel better now, and we've got to help Buffy.
Buffy: I told one lie, I had one drink.
Giles: Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words "let that be a lesson" are a tad redundant at this juncture.

[edit] Halloween

Willow: It's too bad we can't sneak a look at the Watcher Diaries and read up on Angel. I'm sure it's full of fun facts to know and tell.
Buffy: Yeah. It's too bad. That stuff is private.
Willow: Also Giles keeps them in his office. In his personal files.
Buffy: Most importantly, it would be wrong.
Buffy: Angel's a vampire, I thought you knew.
Cordelia: Oh, he's a vampire! Of course! But the cuddly kind, like a Care Bear with fangs.
[Buffy admonishes Willow on her choice of a boring ghost costume.]
Buffy: It's just ... You're never gonna get noticed if you keep hiding! You're missing the whole point of Halloween.
Willow: Free candy?
Buffy: It's "come as you aren't" night! The perfect chance for a girl to get sexy and wild, with no repercussions.
Willow: Oh, I don't get wild. Wild on me equals spaz.
Drusilla: Do you love my insides? The parts you can't see?
Spike: Eyeballs to entrails, my sweet.
Buffy: Ta da. Just little old 20th-century me.
Angel: Sure you're okay?
Buffy: I'll live.
Angel: I don't get it, Buffy. Why'd you think I'd like you better dressed that way?
Buffy: I just wanted to be a real girl for once. The kind of fancy girl you liked when you were my age.
Angel: Oh, ho.
Buffy: What?
Angel: I hated the girls back then. Especially the noblewomen.
Buffy: You did.
Angel: They were just incredibly dull. Simpering morons, the lot of them. I always wished I could meet someone ... exciting. Interesting.
Buffy: Really? Interesting how?
Angel: You know how.
Buffy: Still, I had a really hard day. You should probably tell me.
Angel: You're right. I should.
Buffy: Definitely.

[edit] Lie to Me

Cordelia: I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie-Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good, and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort. And I know the peasants were all depressed ...
Xander: I think you mean oppressed.
Cordelia: Whatever. They were cranky. So they're like, "Let's lose some heads." Uh! That's fair. And Marie-Antoinette cared about them. She was gonna let them have cake!
Willow: Uh, Angel? If I say something you really don't want to hear, do you promise not to bite me?
Angel: Are you going to tell me that I'm jealous?
Willow: Well, you do sometimes get that way.
Angel: You know, I never used to. Things used to be pretty simple. A hundred years, just hanging out, feeling guilty ... I really honed my brooding skills. Then she comes along. Yeah, I get jealous. But I know people. And my gut tells me this is a wrong guy.
Willow: The Lonely Ones?
Angel: Vampires.
Xander: Oh! We usually call them the nasty, pointy, bitey ones.
Angel: Do you love me?
Buffy: What?
Angel: Do you?
Buffy: I love you. I don't know if I trust you.
Angel: Maybe you shouldn't do either.
Buffy: Maybe I'm the one who should decide!
Angel: I did a lot of unconscionable things when I became a vampire. Drusilla was the worst. She was ... an obsession of mine. She was pure, and sweet, and chaste.
Buffy: And you made her a vampire.
Angel: First I made her insane. Killed everybody she loved. Visited every mental torture on her I could devise. She eventually fled to a convent, and on the day she took her holy orders, I turned her into a demon.
Buffy: Well. I asked for the truth.
Buffy: Does it ever get easy?
Giles: You mean life?
Buffy: Yeah. Does it get easy?
Giles: What do you want me to say?
Buffy: Lie to me.
Giles: Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after.
Buffy: Liar.

[edit] The Dark Age

Xander: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades.
Buffy: He probably sat in math class thinking, "There should be more math. This could be mathier."
Giles: Um, a medical transport is delivering the monthly supply of blood to the hospital.
Buffy: Mm. Vampire Meals-On-Wheels.
Xander: Yep, yep, I knew this would happen. Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My Uncle Rory was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met by day. By night, it was booze, whores, and fur flying. Were there whores?
Buffy: He was alone.
Xander: Give it time.
Buffy: Xander, how do you feel about digging through some of Giles' personal files and seeing what you can find?
Xander: I feel pretty good about it. Does that make me a sociopath? Nah.
Buffy: I'm not gonna lie to you. It was scary. I'm so used to you being a grownup, and then I find out that you're a person.
Giles: Most grownups are.

[edit] What's My Line, Part One

Xander: "Are you a people person, or do you prefer keeping your own company?" Well, what if I'm a people person who keeps his own company by default?
Buffy: So, mark "none of the above".
Xander: Well, there are no boxes for "none of the above". That would introduce too many variables into their mushroom head, number-crunching little world.
Xander:Ladies and Gentleman,miss Cordelia Chase.Always willing to give a hand to the rich and the pretty
Cordelia:Which,lucky for me,excludes you.Twice
Buffy: Do I like shrubs?
Xander: That's between you and your god.
Xander: What, and suck all the spontaneity out of being young and stupid? I'd rather live in the dark.
Willow: You're not gonna be young forever.
Xander: Yes, but I'll always be stupid. [silence. He looks around] Let's not all rush to disagree.
Xander: Y'know, with that kind of attitude you could've had a bright future as an employee at the DMV.
Angel: Buffy! You scared me.
Buffy: Now you know what it feels like, Stealth Guy.
Buffy: I wish we could be regular kids.
Angel: Yeah. I'll never be a kid.
Buffy: Okay, then a regular kid and her cradle-robbing, creature-of-the-night boyfriend.
Cordelia: Oh, here I am. "Personal shopper or motivational speaker". Neato!
Xander: Motivational speaker? On what? Ten ways to a more annoying you?
Willow: You and Angel are going skating? Alone?
Buffy: Unless some unforeseen evil pops up. But I'm in full "see no evil" mode.
Willow: Angel ice-skating.
Buffy: I know. Two worlds collide.
Buffy: Color me stunned.
Dalton: Yes, but ... The Order of Taraka. I mean, isn't that overkill?
Spike: No, I think it's just enough kill.
Principal Snyder: It's worth nothing, Harris. Whatever comes out of your mouth is a meaningless waste of breath. An airborne toxic event.
Xander: Well, I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to be so honest with me. And I can only hope that one day I'm in the position to be that honest with you.
[Oz's first word to Willow, as they sit next to each other in a special career reception.]
Oz: Canapé?
Giles: You're behaving remarkably immaturely.
Buffy: You know why? I am immature. I'm a teen. I have yet to mature.
Buffy: Note to self: religion: freaky.
Xander: So, why go to all the trouble of inventing something, and then giving it a weak name like that? I mean, I'da gone with "The Cross-o-matic", or, uh, "The Amazing Mr. Cross".
Xander: But Ho-Hos are a vital part of my cognitive process!
Buffy: The Hellmouth presents Dead Guys On Ice. Not exactly the evening we were aiming for.
Angel: You're in danger. You know what the ring means?
Buffy: I just killed a Super Bowl champ?
Angel: I'm serious! You should go home and wait until you hear from me.
Angel: You shouldn't have to touch me when I'm like this.
Buffy: Oh. I didn't even notice.
Xander: No, it's a statistical impossibility for a sixteen-year-old girl to unplug her phone.
Angel: Sure you are, Willy. And I'm taking up sunbathing.
...
Angel: You know, I'm a little rusty when it comes to killing humans. It could take a while.
[Willow, sleeping over an open book, bolts upright.]
Willow: Don't warn the tadpoles!
...
Giles: "Don't warn the tadpoles"?
Willow: I... I have frog fear.
Cordelia: I can't even believe you. You dragged me out of bed for a ride? What am I, mass transportation?
Xander: That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker room talk. I wouldn't pay it any mind.
Cordelia: Oh, great, so now I'm your taxi and your punching bag.
Xander: I like to think of you more as my witless foil, but have it your way.
Buffy: Who the hell are you?!
Kendra: I am Kendra! Da Vumpire Slahyer!
[Buffy stares in disbelief]

[edit] What's My Line, Part Two

Kendra: "Wiggy"?
Buffy: You know. No kick-o, no fight-o?
Kendra: They call me Kendra. I have no last name, sir.
Buffy: Can you say "stuck in the '80s"?
Giles: Not to my knowledge. Um, th-the new Slayer is only called after the previous Slayer has died. Uh... Oh, good Lord! You were dead, Buffy.
Buffy: I was only gone for a minute.
Kendra: Did I not see you kissing a vampire?
Willow: Buffy would never do that! [to Buffy] Oh. Except for... sometimes you do that. [to Kendra] But only with Angel! [to Buffy] Right?
Cordelia: You know what? I'm going. I'd rather be worm food than look at your pathetic face!
Xander: Then go! I'm not stopping you!
Cordelia: I bet you wouldn't. I bet you'd let a girl go off to her doom all by herself!
Xander: Not just any girl. You're special.
Cordelia: I can't believe that I'm stuck spending what will probably be my last few moments on Earth here with you!
Xander: I hope these are my last few moments. Three more seconds with you and I'm gonna...
Cordelia: "I'm gonna" what? [steps closer] Coward!
Xander: Moron!
Cordelia: I hate you!
Xander: I hate you!
[They kiss]
[Spike is dragging an unconscious Angel away.]
Willy: What are you gonna do with him anyway?
Spike: I'm thinking... maybe dinner and a movie. I don't want to rush into anything. I've been hurt, you know.
[Kendra is examining a crossbow]
Buffy: Careful with that.
Kendra: I am a master of all weapons.
[Arrow flies off and hits the lamp]
Giles: Is everything alright?
Buffy: It's OK. Kendra killed the bad lamp.
Cordelia: Here! I don't do worms.
Willow: There's a Slayer handbook?
Buffy: Wait. Handbook? What handbook? How come I don't have a handbook?
Willow: Is there a T-shirt, too? 'Cause that would be cool...
Giles: After meeting you, Buffy, I realized that, uh, the handbook would be of no use in your case.
Buffy: Well, what do you mean it would be of no use in my case? Wha- what's wrong with my case?
Giles: Oh, well, B-Buffy, Principal Snyder was snooping round after you.
Buffy: Eee. Career Fair.
Giles: Best make an appearance, I think.
Buffy: Right.
Kendra: Buffy's a student here?
Giles: Yes.
Kendra: Right, of course. And I imagine she's a cheerleader as well.
Willow: Oh, that's Oz. He's expressing computer nerd solidarity.
Oz: Well, I sorta test well. Y'know, which is cool. Except that it leads to jobs.
Willow: Well, don't you have any ambition?
Oz: Oh, yeah. Yeah. E-flat diminished ninth.
Willow: Huh?
Oz: Well, the E-flat, it's... it's doable. But it's that diminished ninth, you know... it's a man's chord. You could lose a finger.
Xander: Who sponsored career day today? The British Soccer Fan Association?
Xander: A Slayer, huh? I knew this "I'm the only one, I'm the only one" thing was just an attention-getter.
Buffy: You and bug people, Xander. What's up with that?
Xander: No, but this dude was completely different than praying mantis lady. He was a man of bugs, not a man who was a bug.
Willow: Don't worry, Buffy, we'll save Angel.
Kendra: Angel? But our priority is to stop Drusilla!
Xander: Angel's our friend! Except I don't like him.
Buffy: Good. 'Cause I've had it. Spike is going down. You can attack me, you can send assassins after me, that's fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend!
Giles: There are forty-three churches in Sunnydale? That seems a little excessive.
Willow: It's the extra evil vibe from the Hellmouth. Makes people pray harder.
Kendra: And those two, they also know you are the Slayer?
Buffy: Yep.
Kendra: Did anyone explain to you what "secret identity" means?
Buffy: Nope. Must be in the handbook. Right after the chapter on personality removal.
Xander: Oh, here we go! I am the bug man, coo coo ka choo. Okay. Okay. He can only be killed when he's in his disassembled state. [Xander turns to Cordelia.] Disassembled. That means when he's broken down into his liiittle buggy parts.
Cordelia: I know what it means, dorkhead.
Xander: 'Dorkhead'! You slash me with your words.
Willie:They were duplicitous
Spike:Well then,I'll only kill You this once
Drusilla: [to Angel] Say 'uncle.' Oh, that's right. You killed my uncle.
Buffy: Angel...
Spike: Yeah! It bugs me too, seeing 'em like that. Another five minutes and Angel will be dead, so I forbear. Don't feel too bad for Angel. He's got something you don't have.
Buffy: What's that?
Spike: Five minutes.
Buffy: It's your lucky day, Spike.
Kendra: Two Slayers!
Buffy: No waiting!
[After her sleeve gets ripped]
Kendra: That's me favourite shirt! It's me only shirt!
[Riff on animal crackers]
Oz: The monkey's the only cookie animal that gets to wear clothes, you know that? You have the sweetest smile I've ever seen. So I'm wondering, do the other cookie animals feel sorta ripped? Like, is the hippo going, "Hey, where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity." And, you know, the monkey's just [in a French accent] "I mock you with my monkey pants." And then there's a big coup at the zoo.
Willow: The monkey is French?
Oz: All monkeys are French. You didn't know that?

[edit] Ted

Xander: How is Angel? Pretend I care.
Willow: And you're loving playing nursemaid?
Buffy: Oh, yeah!
Xander: So, is it better than playing naughty stewardess?
Joyce: He redid my entire system at the gallery, freed up a lot of my time.
Buffy: To meet new people. And smooch them in my kitchen.
Buffy: Vampires are creeps.
Giles: Yes, that's why one slays them.
Buffy: I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come, and they run around and they kill people, and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini-pizzas, and everyone's like, "I like your mini pizzas", but I'm telling you, I am—
Giles: Uh, Buffy! I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh... text.
Xander: [singing and dancing] You're having parental issues! You're having parental issues!
Willow: Xander.
Xander: What? Freud would have said the exact same thing... except he might not have done that little dance.
Buffy: So Mom's like, "Do you think Ted will like this?" and "This is Ted's favorite show", and "Ted's teaching me computers", and "Ted said the funniest thing", and I'm like, "That's really great, Mom", and then she said I was being sarcastic, which I was, but I'm sorry if I don't wanna talk about Ted all the time.
Angel: So, you gonna talk about something else at some point?
Buffy: I'm sorry. I just have so much to deal with, I don't need some new guy in my life.
Angel: No, but maybe your mom does.
Buffy: Well, sure, if you're gonna use wisdom.
Angel: Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is.
Buffy: Okay, so my mom needs a guy in her life. Does it have to be Ted?
Angel: Do you have somebody else in mind? There's a guy out there that would satisfy you?
Buffy: My dad? Yeah, okay, that's not gonna happen. Fine, fine, I'll give Ted a chance. I'll play mini-golf, and I'll smile and curtsy and be the dutiful daughter. Do I have to like him?
Angel: Kiss me.
Buffy: Finally, something I wanna do!
Xander: Can you say 'overreacting?'
Buffy: Can you say 'sucking chest wound?'
Xander: Hey, Cordy! Nice outfit.
Cordelia: Oh, very funny.
Xander: Not really.
Cordelia: What are you saying?
Xander: Nice outfit?
Cordelia: Well, why don't you just keep your mouth shut?
Xander: You wannna go to the utility closet and make out?
Cordelia: God, is that all you ever think about? [pause] Okay.
Cordelia: I thought you liked him!
Xander: I sometimes like things that are not good for me.
Cordelia: [about Buffy] But she's like this superman. Shouldn't there be different rules for her?
Willow: Sure, in a fascist society.
Cordelia: Right! Why can't we have one of those?
Buffy: Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!
Willow: I just wanna learn stuff.
Cordelia: Like how to build your own serial killer?
Xander: Uh, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.
Xander: Oh my god. Come on!
Willow: Where are you going? We need to find some evidence.
Xander: We found it.
Willow: Why? What was in the closet?
Xander: His last four wives.
Buffy:So far,all i see is someone who supposedly has a good Job,and is Nice and Polite,and my Mother really likes him
Xander:What kind of a Monster is he?

[edit] Bad Eggs

Joyce: It's an outfit. An outfit that you may never buy.
Buffy: But I looked good in it.
Joyce: You looked like a streetwalker.
Buffy: But a thin streetwalker. That's probably not gonna be the winning argument, is it?
Joyce: You're just too young to wear that.
Buffy: Yeah, and I'm gonna be too young to wear it until I'm too old to wear it.
Joyce: That's the idea.
Mr. Whitmore: ...it's often difficult to remember that there are negative consequences to having sex. Would anyone care to offer one such consequence?
Cordelia: Well, that depends. Are you talking about sex in the car or out of the car? Because I have a friend, not me, that was in a Miata parked at the top of the hill, and then she kicked the gearshift, and, and-
Buffy: Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy?
Xander: I think the word you're searching for is absent.
Willow: Tardy people show. And yes, he did notice, so he wanted me to give you this. [hands Buffy an egg]
Buffy: As far as punishments go, this is fairly abstract.
Willow: No, it's your baby!
Buffy: Okay, I get it even less.
Xander: You know it's the whole sex leads to responsibility thing, which I personally don't get. You gotta take care of the egg, it's a baby. You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values.
Willow: My egg is Jewish.
Xander: Then teach it that dreidel song.
Willow: Hey, maybe you can have Angel help you find the Gorches.
Giles: Yes! Yes, yes, that's not a bad idea. Strength in numbers.
Xander: Oh, right. I see a lotta hunting getting done in that scenario.
Buffy: Please. Like Angel and I are just helpless slaves to passion. Grow up!
Tector Gorch: That the Slayer?
Lyle Gorch: Yep.
Tector: Ain't that Angelus with her?
Lyle: Yep.
Tector: Well, how come she ain't slayin'? And how come he's about to make me blush?
Xander: Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. You... Angel... big... smoochies?
Cordelia: Mister Whitmore didn’t show today.
Buffy: That news is of the past.
Cordelia: He’s missing. Presumed dead.
Giles: Presumed by whom?
Cordelia: Well, me!
Giles: I think we should give him a few hours before we give up on him completely.


Xander: Which is another secret to conscientious egg care. A pot of scalding water and about eight minutes.
Willow: You boiled your young?
Giles: I suppose there is a sort of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.
Xander: I resent that! Or possibly thank you.
Giles: A little of both might be appropriate.
Angel: It's not like I have an early day tomorrow.
Angel: So you don't think about the future?
Buffy: No.
Angel: Never?
Buffy: No.
Angel: You really don't care what happens a year from now? Five years from now?
Buffy: Angel, when I look into the future, all I see is you! All I want is you.
Angel: I know the feeling.
Cordelia: It's an egg, Buffy, it doesn't emote.
Xander: Can I just say... gyuhhhh?
Buffy: I see your gyuhhhh and raise you a ngyahhh!
Lyle: I told you this weren't over.
Tector: She's so cute. And little. Think we can keep her?

[edit] Surprise

[In Buffy's dream, she walks through a crowd at The Bronze. At one table, Willow talks to a monkey in a red jacket and hat.]
Willow: L'hippo a piqué ton pantalon.
* Roughly speaking, that's French for "The hippo stole your pants."
[Buffy tells Angel about her dream, in which Drusilla kills him.]
Angel: Still, not every dream you have comes true. I mean, what else did you dream last night? Can you remember?
Buffy: I dreamt ... I dreamt that Giles and I opened an office supply warehouse in Vegas.
Angel: You see my point?
...
Angel: You still haven't told me what you wanted for your birthday.
Buffy: Surprise me.
Angel: Okay. I will.
Buffy: This is nice. I like seeing you first thing in the morning.
Angel: It's bedtime for me.
Buffy: Well, then I like seeing you at bedtime. Um ... um, heh ... y-you know what I mean.
Angel: I think so. What do you mean?
Buffy: I like seeing you. And the part at the end of the night where we say goodbye? ... It's getting harder.
Angel: Yeah. It is.
[Buffy frets to Willow about getting serious with Angel.]
Willow: Carpe diem! You told me that, once.
Buffy: "Fish of the day"?
Willow: Not carp — carpe! It means "seize the day."
Buffy: Right.
[Buffy prods Willow about her interest in Oz.]
Willow: Oh, I don't know, though. He is a senior.
Buffy: You think he's too old 'cause he's a senior? Please. My boyfriend had a bicentennial.
...
Buffy: You can't spend the rest of your life waiting for Xander to wake up and smell the hottie. Make a move. Do the talking thing.
Willow: Well, what if the talking thing becomes the awkward-silence thing?
[Later with Oz, Willow tries to summon the nerve to carpe her own diem, but he interrupts.]
Oz: I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night. And I'm kinda nervous about it, actually. It's interesting.
Willow: Oh! Well, if it helps at all, I'm gonna say "yes."
Oz: Yeah, it helps. It ... it creates a comfort zone. ... Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow night?
Willow: [slaps forehead] Oh! I can't!
Oz: Well, see, I like that you're unpredictable.
Willow: Oh ... It's just, it's Buffy's birthday, and we're throwing her a surprise party.
Oz: It's okay.
Willow: But you could come! If you wanted.
Oz: Well, I don't want to crash.
Willow: No, it's fine! You could be my ... my date.
Oz: All right. I'm in. [nods farewell when she indicates she's ready to leave]
Willow: [walks off, delighted with the encounter] I said "date"!
[Buffy, Xander, Jenny and Giles sit in the lounge together before class.]
Giles: Are you all right, Buffy? You seem a little fatigued.
Buffy: Rough night. I had a dream that Drusilla was alive and she ... killed Angel. It just really freaked me out.
Giles: You feel it was more of a ... a portent?
Buffy: Yeah, I don't know. I don't want to start a big freak-out over nothing.
Giles: Still, best to be on the alert. If Drusilla is still alive, it could be a fairly ... cataclysmic state of affairs.
Xander: Again, so many words. Couldn't you just say we'd be in trouble?
Giles: [looks at Xander for a moment] Go to class, Xander.
Xander: Gone. Notice the economy of phrasing. "Gone." Simple. Direct. [he points at Giles and leaves]
Buffy: Maybe I should get gone, too.
Giles: Don't worry unduly, Buffy. I'm sure it's nothing.
Buffy: I know. I should keep my Slayer cool. But it's Angel, which automatically equals maxi wig.
[Jenny has a visitor right before class.]
Enyos: "Jenny Calendar."
Jenny: You startled me.
Enyos: You look well.
Jenny: Yes, I'm fine. I know I haven't written as much lately. I've been busy.
Enyos: I cannot imagine what is so important to make you ignore the responsibility to your people.
Jenny: Well, I've been working, and ...
Enyos: The elder woman has been reading signs. Something is different.
Jenny: Nothing has changed. The curse still holds.
Enyos: The elder woman is never wrong! She says his pain is lessening.
Jenny: There is ...
Enyos: There is what?
Jenny: A girl.
Enyos: Arrgh! What?? How could you let this happen?
Jenny: I promise you, Angel still suffers. And he makes amends for his evil. He even saved my life.
Enyos: So you just ... forget that he destroyed the most belovèd daughter of your tribe? That he killed every man, woman and child that touched her life? Vengeance demands that his pain be eternal, as ours is. If this ... this girl gives him one minute of happiness, it is one minute too much!
Jenny: I'm sorry. I thought ...
Enyos: You thought what? You thought you are "Jenny Calendar" now? You are still Janna, of the Kalderash people.
Jenny: I know. Uncle, I know.
Enyos: Then prove it. The time for watching is past. The girl and him, it ends now. Do what you must to take her from him.
Jenny: I will see to it.
[As Buffy's friends lie in wait at the otherwise empty Bronze for her surprise birthday party, Buffy arrives by crashing through the window, struggling with a vampire. After a bit more tussle, she dusts him. As Buffy's friends stand agape, Cordelia jumps out of hiding.]
Cordelia: Surprise!
Oz: That pretty much sums it up.
...
[Willow turns to "civilian" Oz.]
Willow: Are you okay?
Oz: Yeah. Hey, did everybody see that guy just turn to dust?
Willow: Ohhh, well ... sort of.
Xander: Yep. Vampires are real, a lot of 'em live in Sunnydale, Willow will fill you in.
Willow: I know it's hard to accept at first.
Oz: Actually, it explains a lot.
[Willow suggests how to stay up all night without their parents knowing.]
Willow: Better do a round-robin. Xander, you go first.
Buffy: Good call!
Giles: Round-robin?
Willow: It's when everybody calls everybody else's mom and tells them they're staying at everyone's house.
Buffy: Thus freeing up the night for world save-age.
Willow: And all-night keggers! [the others stare] What? Only Xander can make dumb jokes?
[Buffy is seen sleeping in Gile's office. Angel and Giles move away from the office to give her quiet.]
Giles: It seems Buffy needed some rest.
Angel: Yeah. She hasn't been sleeping well. Tossing and turning.
(Willow, Giles, Xander and Jenny give him the "how would you know look?")
Angel: She told me. 'Cause of her dreams.
Xander: (Scoffs.)

[The Judge evaporates Dalton]

Drusilla:[Excitedly and stamping her feet]Do it again!Do it again!
Angel:Leave her alone
Spike:That'll work.Now say pretty please
Angel:Take me instead
Spike:Apparently,you're not familar with the concept.There is no instead only firsts and seconds
Angel: I love you. ... I try not to, but I can't stop.
Buffy: Me, too. I can't either. [she begins to kiss him, he pulls away for a moment]
Angel: Buffy, maybe we shouldn't ...
Buffy: Don't. [she puts her finger to his lips] Just kiss me.

[edit] Innocence

Spike: Are we feeling better then?
Drusilla: I'm naming all the stars.
Spike: You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also, it's day.
Drusilla: I can see them, but I've named them all the same name, and there's terrible confusion. I fear there will be a duel.
Spike:What's Big Blue up to?
Judge:I'm preparing
Spike:Really?Cause it's interesting.To me, preparing looks a great bit like sitting on your ass
Spike: Hurts, doesn't it?
Angelus: Well, you know, it kinda itches a little.
Spike: Don't just stand there. Burn him.
Angelus: Gee, maybe he's broken.
Spike: What the hell is going on?
Judge: This one ... cannot be burnt. He is clean.
Spike: Clean? You mean, he's ...
Judge: There's no humanity in him.
Angelus: I couldn't have said it better myself.
Drusilla: Angel.
Angelus: Yeah, baby. I'm back.
...
Spike: No more of this 'I've got a soul' crap?
Angelus: What can I say, hmm? I was going through a phase.
...
Spike: You've really got a yen to hurt this girl, haven't you?
Angelus: She made me feel like a human being. That's not the kind of thing you just forgive.
Willow: I knew it! I knew it! Well, not knew it in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know. You two were fighting way too much. It's not natural!
Xander: I know it's weird ...
Willow: Weird? It's against all laws of God and Man! It's Cordelia! Remember? The, the We Hate Cordelia Club, of which you are the treasurer.
Xander: Look, I was gonna tell you.
Willow: Gee, what stopped you? Could it be shame?
Xander: All right, let's over-react, shall we?
Willow: But I'm ...
Xander: Willow. We were just kissing. It doesn't mean that much.
Willow: No. ... It just means you'd rather be with someone you hate, than be with me.
Angelus: What? I took off.
Buffy: But you didn't say anything. You just left.
Angelus: Yeah. Like I really wanted to stick around after that.
Buffy: What?
Angelus: You got a lot to learn about men, kiddo. Although I guess you proved that last night.
Buffy: What are you saying?
Angelus: Let's not make an issue out of it, okay? In fact, let's not talk about it at all. It happened.
Buffy: I, I don't understand. Was it m-me? Was I not good?
Angelus: You were great. Really. I thought you were a pro.
Xander: Whoa. Whoa! I-I think I'm having a thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a thought. Now I'm having a plan. [lights go out] Now I'm having a wiggins.
Angelus: Well, it's not really the kind of message you tell. It sort of involves finding the bodies of all your friends.
Buffy: This can't be you.
Angelus: I wish we already covered that subject.
Buffy: Angel, there must some part of you that still remembers who you are.
Angelus: Dream on, school girl. Your boyfriend is dead, and you're all gonna join him.
Buffy: Leave Willow alone and deal with me.
Angelus: Oh, but she's so cute and helpless. Really a turn-on.
Giles: And we're absolutely certain that Angel has reverted to his former self?
Xander: Yeah - uh - we're all certain. Anyone not feeling certain, here?
Cordelia: This is great! There's an unkillable demon in town, Angel's joined his team, the Slayer's a basketcase, I'd say we've hit bottom.
Xander: I have a plan.
Cordelia: Oh no, here's a lower place.
...
Xander: [to Cordelia] Just meet me at Willow's house in half an hour and wear something trashy... [looks at her outfit] -er.
Spike: Now, I know you haven't been in the game for a while, mate, but we still do kill people. Sort of our raison d'être, you know.
...
Angelus: Spike, my boy, you really don't get it, do you? You tried to kill her, but you couldn't. Look at you. You're a wreck! She's stronger than any Slayer you've ever faced. Force won't get it done. You gotta work from the inside. To kill this girl ... you have to love her.
Cordelia: So does looking at guns really make girls want to have sex? That's scary.
Xander: Yeah, I guess.
Cordelia: Well, does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
Xander: I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.
Oz: So, do you guys steal weapons from the Army a lot?
Willow: Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun.
...
Oz: Sometimes when I'm sitting in class, you know, I'm not thinking about class, 'cause that would never happen. I think about kissing you. And it's like everything stops. It's like, it's like freeze frame. Willow kissage.
Spike : What if your girlfriend shows up?
Angelus: I'm gonna give her a kiss. [to the Judge] Don't you look spiffy!
Judge: Spiffy?
Buffy: Everybody keep back. Damage control only. Take out any lesser vamps if you can. I'll handle the smurf.
Judge: [an arrow comes flying into his chest] Who dares?
Buffy: [Holding up a crossbow] I think I got his attention.
Judge: You're a fool! No weapon forged can stop me!
Buffy: That was then ... [puts the crossbow down and raises a rocket launcher] ... this is now.
Judge: What's that do?
Angelus: You know what the worst part was, huh? Pretending that I loved you. If I'd known how easily you'd give it up, I wouldn't have even bothered.
Buffy: That doesn't work anymore. You're not Angel.
Angelus: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? It doesn't matter. The important thing is you made me the man I am today!
Oz: [picking up pieces of the Judge and pointing at one of its arms] Uh - Arm!
Angelus: You can't do it. You can't kill me.
Buffy: [kicks him in the crotch] Give me time.
Giles: It's not over. I suppose you know that. He'll come after you, particularly. His profile ... he's likely to strike out at the things that made him the most human.
Buffy: You must be so disappointed in me.
Giles: No. No no, I'm not.
Buffy: This is all my fault.
Giles: I don't believe it is. Do you want me to wag my finger at you and tell you that you acted rashly? You did. And I can. I know that you loved him. And, he ... he's proven more than once that he loved you. You couldn't have known what would happen. The coming months are, are going to be hard, I suspect on all of us. But if it's guilt you're looking for, Buffy, I'm not your man. All you will get from me is my support. And my respect.
Joyce: I'm sorry I didn't have time to make you a real cake.
Buffy: No, this is good.
Joyce: But we're still going shopping on Saturday. ... So, what'd you do for your birthday? Did you have fun?
Buffy: I got older.
Joyce: [searching Buffy's face for a moment] You look the same to me. [lights candle] Happy birthday. ... I don't have to sing, do I?
Buffy: No.
Joyce: Well, go on. Make a wish.
Buffy: I'll just let it burn.

[edit] Phases

Larry: That little innocent schoolgirl thing is just an act, right?
Oz: Yeah. Yeah, she's actually an evil mastermind. It's fun.
Willow: We have a lot of fun, but I want smoochies!
Buffy: Have you dropped any hints?
Willow: I've dropped anvils.
Buffy: Well, he'll come around. What guy could resist your wily Willow charms?
Willow: At last count? All of them, maybe more.
Buffy: Well, none of them know a thing! They all get an "F" in Willow.
Willow: But I want Oz to get an "A," and, oh, one of those gold stars!
Buffy: But I would do a lot better if you and Xander and I could do that "sharing our misery" thing tonight.
Willow: Great. I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah 1-800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho.
Buffy: Meow!
Willow: Thanks, I haven't gotten a Meow before.
Oz: They might not look it, but bunnies can really take care of themselves.
Giles: Quite. And it, uh, acts on-on pure instinct. No conscience, uh, uh, predatory and-and aggressive.
Buffy: In other words, your typical male.
Xander: On behalf of my gender, hey!
Giles: Yes, let's not jump to any conclusions.
Buffy: I didn't jump. I took a tiny step, and there conclusions were.
Giles: Buffy.
Buffy: Where are we going?
Giles:Come with me, if none of that works I think I might have an alternative.
Buffy: Yeah, me and the werewolf, alone in a cage for three minutes, that's all I ask.
Buffy: Welcome to the mystery that is men. I think it goes something like, they grow body hair, they lose all ability to tell you what they really want.
Willow: Well, I like you. You're nice, and you're funny, and you don't smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but that's not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month, I'm not much fun to be around either.
Oz: You are quite the human.
Willow: So I'd still, if you'd still.
Oz: I'd still. I'd very still!
Willow: Okay. No biting, though.
Oz: Agreed.
[Willow walks off, then runs back and gives Oz a quick but thorough kiss. She leaves again.]
Oz: Huh. A werewolf in love.

[edit] Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered

[Xander shows Buffy a heart-shaped pendant.]
Buffy: Does she know what one of these is?
Xander: [chuckles] Okay, big yuks. When are you guys gonna stop making fun of me for dating Cordelia?
Buffy: I'm sorry. But never. I just think you could find somebody more... better.
Xander: Uh, parallel universe, maybe. Here the only other person I'm interested in is... unavailable. [Buffy is silent, but understands whom Xander means.]
...
Xander: Well, this is new territory for me. I mean, my Valentines are usually met with heartfelt restraining orders.
...
Xander: I wish dating was like slaying. You know, simple, direct, stake to the heart, no muss, no fuss.
...
Buffy: Sorry to say, Xand, slaying is a tad more perilous than dating.
Xander: Well, you're obviously not dating Cordelia.
Xander:No more F's for Xander.This babys my ticket to a solid D minus
Giles: I'll patrol and keep an eye on things. Better safe than sorry.
Buffy: It's a little late for both.
Angelus: Dear Buffy. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.
Spike: Why don't you rip her lungs out? It might make an impression.
Angelus: Lacks... poetry.
Spike: It doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?
Drusilla: Don't worry, Spike. Angel always knows...what speaks to a girl's heart.
Xander: Do you know what's a good day to break up with somebody? Any day besides Valentine's Day! I mean, what, were you running low on dramatic irony?
Xander: Well, would lap dancing enter into that scenario at all? 'Cause I find that very comforting.
Buffy: Play your cards right...
Xander:Blackmail is such an ugly word
Amy:I didn't say blackmail
Xander:Yeah,but i'm about to blackmail you so i thought i'd bring it up
Willow: Don't be so jumpy... I've been in your bed before.
Xander: Yeah, but Will, we were both in footy pajamas.
Willow : [seductively] I want you, Xander... to be my first!
Xander: [terrified] ...baseman! Please tell me we're talking baseball!
Xander: Buff, for the love of God, don't open that raincoat.
Buffy: Come on! It's a party! Aren't you gonna open your present?
Xander: It's not that I don't want to. Sometimes the remote impossible possibility that you might like me was all that sustained me. But not now. Not like this. This isn't real to you, you're only here because of a spell. I mean, if I thought you had one clue what it would mean to me, but you don't, so I can't.
Buffy: [angered] So you're saying this is all a game?
Xander: A game? I... No!
Buffy: You make me feel this way, and then you reject me? What am I, a toy?
Xander: Buffy, please calm down.
Buffy: I'll calm down when you explain yourself!
Amy: Get away from him. He's mine.
Buffy: Oh, I don't think so. Xander, tell her.
Xander: What? I, uh...
Amy: He doesn't have to say. I know what his heart wants.
Buffy: Funny, I know what your face wants. [Buffy punches Amy hard in the face] What is this, you're two-timing me?
Amy: Goddess Hecate, work thy will...
Xander: Uh-oh.
Amy: ... Before thee let the unclean thing crawl!
Amy: [steps over to Xander] Why is she here? [gestures at Jenny]
Xander: Can you focus for a minute? You just turned Buffy into a rat!
[the Buffy-rat starts to scamper across the floor]
Amy: Buffy can take care of herself. [takes Xander's arm] Why don't we go someplace private?
Oz: I was on the phone all night, listening to Willow cry about you. Now, I don't know exactly what happened, but I was left with a very strong urge to... hit you.
Cordelia: Dammit, Xander, what's going on? Who died and made you Elvis?
Cordelia: [to Joyce] And keep your mom-aged mitts off my boyfriend! Former!
Angelus: [to Drusilla] I guess I really did drive you crazy.